So i am a black, gay male and almost 30 years of age. i just moved to Colorado about 4 months ago thinking life would be better. Where i came from is where i was born and raised, and have spent pretty much my entire life at. I was hoping for of course a change which it definitely has been. Searching for new adventures, a fresh start, new friends, and love. I fell in love with the states way of living, the vibe I got here, and the culture. Things seemed to start off on the right foot when i actually met someone the day i moved. i could say i could see myself being with him for the rest of my life. things were falling into place, i found a job pretty quickly, my relationship was going great, and making new friends. Shortly after things started to crumble and my boyfriend called it quits and i took it very hard, especially since he was what i knew and was with him every chance i got. I thought of him as the best guy i have ever dated and treated me the way i want to be treated.
Well soon after met some guy out at a college football watch party. Went on a couple of dates and i really liked him and him me. Our intentions at the beginning lined up about our interest in each other and a possible future. Well he pretty much ghosted me. i knew something was up to. He proceeded to tell me over text that he had a change of heart and didn’t know if he was ready for a commitment. After telling me how great of a guy i am and all, he just needed time to focus on his career and belonging in colorado. I again took this kind of hard.
As awesome as Colorado may seem, I still feel lonelier than ever. Failed relationships make it hard to find a purpose in life and i just don’t know if i really belong anywhere. I result to hooking up, a lot, because maybe i try to fill this void that someone,during the moment, i feel cared and loved for. Don’t know why i continue, but pretty much say yes to about anyone. I know i shouldn’t, but it is one thing that is enjoyable even for a short time.
I have thought have suicide in the past, but it’s more now than ever. I think about that if i was to end my life that no one would even notice. Yeah i do have lots of friends and of course my family, but it truly isn’t the same. It is almost impossible to explain to my family what is really going on. i feel like there is something wrong with me, as i tend to blame myself, when i can’t find someone that cares for me like i do them. I have never put my suicidal thoughts to action, but have seriously considered it recently (alcohol and OD, Bleach, etc). Just something that would potentially be less painful would be nice. I just know if i was to end my life, all my misery and depression would go away.
2 comments
Oh boy, I feel your pain… I can’t imagine myself being happy without someone by my side. The saddest thing for me is that even though I met some very nice guys who truly loved me, I unfortunately was not able to feel the same for them.
What you did, i.e., moving, getting a fresh start, finding a place where you belong, making friends, finding the special someone etc; is exactly what I am trying so hard to accomplish and it’s really what I see as my last hope of having a happy life, so reading your text and seeing that you went to a place where you have found your place and everything seemed fine until you broke your heart is something that really rings a bell for me…
I like to say that one year in a straight relationship is the equivalent of four years in a gay relationship. It’s been always hard to find long gay relationships, and the strong hookup culture that we have today makes things even harder for people who want more than simply fucking and leaving.
I’m not saying that hookups are intrinsically bad, but when you see the most popular gay dating apps, you see that they are totally designed for hookups, they don’t leave room for people who are looking for more than that: look at Grindr, Hornet and the other apps, all offering small profiles where you can only upload pictures, set details about how you look like and barely write something on the profile — why don’t they have fields for people to express their interests, activities, ideas? Why do they have filters based solely on appearance and “sexual roles”? Why don’t they offer more space for people to write whatever they want on their profiles? They make hookups dead simple, but they really make things a lot harder for everything else.
You, me, other guys who want more than that: we need to be tough. Things are set up in a way that puts everyone looking and not finding, and in this mean time where we can’t find what we want, what do we do? We hookup.
You said you’ve been going out pretty much anyone, so you obviously went out with people that you wouldn’t want as boyfriends, but I’m certain that among at least some of these guys were some that felt like having something more with you. You may even had gone out with them more times, but you know they are not what you’re looking for, so what are you going to do? In these situations, if we are not jerks or cowards, we will be clear with them about it and won’t simply vanish without telling anything after we’re “done” with them, but if we are jerks or cowards indeed, we will end up ghosting them.
I guess that’s pretty much what happens… some people will engage in relationships out of solitude, not because they love you, and you must be prepared to notice when they do that.
Finding love is hard, and it’s not just a matter of trying hard, we need luck too. If the rest of your life is good, and especially if you have great friends, don’t give up yet, give luck more time, we gays really need an awful lot of luck…
I really appreciate your comment and your wisdom. I, too, have had some guys that loved me to, but i wasn’t in love with them. my longest relationship for two years ended in a counseling session because pretty much i couldn’t take it anymore. i just didn’t see myself with him. thing is that after he said he could see himself marrying me. i had no idea how to respond to that.
i have definitely been through an emotional ride in my 20s as i have been hurt 3-4 different times other than me calling it off with my most serious relationship. i thought after that i would truly find the love of my life. i feel that i have found multiple great guys that i can see a future with but ends up breaking my heart. relationships are hard, i get that, but you start to lose hope after so many heartbreaks. you start to feel that no one wants you. and the desire for sex with pretty much everyone increases because all i want to feel is desirable from someone and feel someone literally wants me. sex is only temporary, but in the moment feels great and makes you feel good. it doesn’t help that i do have one of those apps and all guys just want to hook up. as much as i used to judge about guys hooking up with a lot of different guys, who am i to judge because i am that guy. what happened to me? this is not the person i am, but i can’t help it. i am emotionally drained and that fixes it temporarily.
i came out here wanting a new slate and look what it’s done. i am in a worse position than where i came from. i am trying, but i don’t know how much longer i can take this loneliness and depression. i do have trips going for me which i am excited for and all, but i just keep coming back from time to time to suicide. it doesn’t help that i don’t love my job neither and that’s where we spend most of our time. i am just not any happier than i was. i want to think i will not be single for however long because i truly want to find a partner in life that loves and truly cares for me. that is what i think will bring more purpose in life for me. right now i feel like i am doing no good.