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I can’t take it anymore.

by towardthelight

I don’t think I can continue this life anymore. I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about 6 years and major depression for 2 years.

I only have a couple friends. They are my only friends, but we don’t see each other much because one of them works a lot, and the other lives a state away.

It feels like I’m wasting my life away. I haven’t done anything spectacular or fun. I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had a large group of friends. I’ve always been the outcast, the invisible one, the freak.

No one really cares about me. I know they say that they do, and a part of me wants to believe them. At the same time, I’ve been betrayed and lied to, and my trust is thin with everyone around me.

School has been stressing me out and making my mental state worse. I’ve missed a few doses of my antidepressants (my fault, really) but I don’t even think they’re working anymore.

My entire school has tried raising awareness for mental health, but it feels like a complete joke. People write generic words of encouragement like, “It’ll be okay,” or “You are loved,” but it feels so forced that it disgusts me. Some teachers have even been caught making jokes of mental illnesses.

I know my school’s goal was to make everyone feel secure and cared for, but it didn’t work for me. I just felt like I was dying inside little by little, watching everyone trying to understand mental illness and destigmatize things. I felt like I was a pariah because it dawned on me that mental illness is misunderstood because most people don’t have to battle it on a daily basis.

My own mother has told me that she doesn’t care if I died anyway. In her mind, everyone dies, and when that time comes, it comes. She said that she’d be sad for some time, but that she’ll learn to grieve and accept it. My parents have a $15,000 life insurance policy on me, every since I was a baby, just in case something happens.

I wonder every day what it’d be like if I wasn’t plagued with mental illnesses. It could have been worse – I could have been born with severe learning disabilities, physical disabilities, etc as a result of being born extremely premature, but I just wish I didn’t have my own mind tell me that I’m not worth anything to anyone.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything hurts. I’m lonely, incredibly lonely, and I’m insignificant to anyone around me. Even my friends can probably live their lives without me.

Every friend I’ve had has ditched me and I’ve told my friend so much about my mental health that if I tell her I want to kill myself, she’d get sick of me complaining about how terrible my life is, and push me away. She’d probably think that I’m saying that to get attention, since I always tell her fucked-up things about my mental state. I tell her so much that I’m afraid that she’ll stop believing me, but everything I say, she is the only person I can trust with that information.

I love my friend. She’s the only person that listens to me and takes me seriously. My family can’t do that. Everything I say to them goes in one ear and out the other or they make me feel invalidated.

I just don’t want my friend to think that I’m an attention seeker. I’m terrified of saying the wrong things to her, but at the same time, she’s the only one that I feel comfortable telling. I’ve told her things that I would never tell anyone else, but I wonder if she’s ever gotten sick of me for it. I wonder if she’s ever wanted to quit talking to me because of it.

I guess I don’t want to be a burden on her.

I’m scared to tell her the true state of my mental health. She knows about all of my mental disorders, but she doesn’t know the extent of them all, or how far they have pushed me. I try my best to not let my mental illnesses show around her or bring them up anymore because I don’t want her to pity me or be sad.

I’ve never actually severely harmed myself nor have I ever attempted suicide, but the thoughts of suicide are increasing with each stressor of mine, and with each little thing.

It sounds ridiculous, but the workload of school makes me anxious, depressed, and therefore suicidal. Honestly, that’s never happened to me before. Normally, those thoughts never occur due to school.

I know it’s foolish to take your own life over schoolwork, but it’s so overwhelming that my anxiety spikes. My anxiety is the worst mental disorder of all that I have. It’s the one that I’ve struggled with the longest and the demon that I have yet to conquer.

Other than school, I either sleep all day, use the computer, or listen to music.

I don’t have anything to do besides that.

I quit my job because it was interfering with my schoolwork, even though my doctor suggested that I should get a job to help alleviate the emptiness and boredom that I feel inside.

I’m lost. I don’t know where to turn. Death feels like an escape from a dark, lonely life; however, one of the things holding me back is the fact that I don’t know what happens after death –  where I go or what I do.

I can’t keep all of this to myself anymore. I want to tell my friend; I just don’t know how she’ll take it. I don’t want to be whisked away to an expensive emergency room or sent off to a mental health facility because I don’t want people to assume I need immediate care. I don’t want people to assume I’m crazy.

Any ideas of how to tell my friend without bothering her? 

Sorry that I ranted and rambled so much.

 

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6 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/13/2017 - 2:27 am

There is nothing special about being in a relationship
It actually disturbs me that people will put the whole meaning of their life into a shitty relationship
Anyway, I know what’s up – Nothing’s real outside of you and yours.
You can take what other people say or do and take offense or you can let it pass by you and secretly laugh at them because you have so much more than them.
It’s your life.
Things may be like that around you in their reality
But there is so many different cultures and ways of reality.
You don’t have to conform to a reality you don’t accept,

I like to say Every Man Is His Own Heaven &Hell
You create your own way of life
You create your own reality
You don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your life or how you should be

Have you ever looked at a teacher?
They aren’t hot shit.
It’s not the lesson of destigmatizing mental illness that makes you feel wrong
It’s who they are and how they are presenting it.
Like you said “pulling jokes” while waving their magic wands.

You sound like your describing the emotional problems I felt I had in high school. But I would never write them down like you have. I would just do what I’m told shut up and close my eyes. And try to be positive.

I decided on suicide at your age
I guess I don’t like the community
Go out with a bang
Something to boost how I feel about the world and being a part of it
And having WILL-POWER and the FREEDOM to CHOOSE
Which makes me feel powerful
A major rush comes with taking your life

But my advice as I have heard many many mental health “professionals” say before is schoolwork is not more important than your mental health.
Do you feel school is the most important thing?
What do you feel the consequence of not doing well on your workload would be?
A lash? Go to bed without dinner? Scolding from Mr. Cold Shit.

Honest consequence – you may drop a grade.
Anyone can get into state college or tech schools if that is your goal.
The most important thing about high school don’t know if anyone has told you 1. SAT/ACT score 2. GPA – 3.3 or higher is good. 3. Apply for colleges and be creative with it (IF college is your goal) 4. Diploma

If you are being creative it can help you do your schoolwork. Do it with a dose of slack. Daily work is nothing. You can BS. Projects you can BS your way through. If you think you were misgraded then talk to your teacher to raise grade. Main thing is you score well on standardized tests and ACT – you can’t bullshit that. Colleges get GPA and test scores.

Don’t tell your friend.
Don’t talk to her about that.
Talk to her of school, maybe she can help with your workload, and your plans for after instead.
I wouldn’t tell anyone. Serious don’t.
And I wouldn’t take the pills either.
You seem like a smart high schooler but I didn’t realize the pills were poison until I was almost 21.

Cause of Death: Suicide 10/13/2017 - 2:35 am

The only truth is they make 35,000 to 75,000 a year
Anything they say while teaching is probably la la land drooling I’m half asleep I stole these notes from someone else’s book
My job is to have you copy notes read it aloud show you which book to read and give you an assignment
They don’t care about their kids.
They want a vacation fund and a retirement and a boat etc
And to retire in Florida or in a European city.

So, my point in this is, EVEN IF YOU DO BAD IN SCHOOL YOU CAN LEARN SO MUCH MORE AND BETTER THINGS ON YOUR OWN TERMS.
The book is there!! The books are available to you through retail or database or library. You don’t need cold-shit stick-figure shrilly voice giving you goosebumps. And mostly bitching rather than teaching.

So don’t worry.
You don’t gotta be like your classmates
You don’t gotta be like your teacher
Work on your own terms
Learn on your own terms
You are your own boss

Also, DONT demote yourself to believing in propaganda. DONT let others brainwash you.

Be your own person and live your own damn life how you want to.

Timel3ssDecay 10/13/2017 - 4:08 am

Excellent advice

towardthelight 10/13/2017 - 5:23 pm

Thank you for the feedback.

Pandaren 10/15/2017 - 7:12 pm

Yeah.

And what does all of that get you?

littlesoss 10/23/2017 - 4:48 pm

Just sending a message to say I’ve read this and I care and I’m sorry you are having such a hard time.

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