I don’t remember what a normal mind feels like

  October 25th, 2017 by Cause of Death: Suicide

I was completely normal with a healthy brain until the put me in the looney bin in 2015

They put me on a long term dose of invega seroquel and ever since then my brain and body have been fucked. I took about 150 days worth of seroquel. I gained 60-70 pounds in 150 days

Then I was in jail for a DUI. I was not driving. I go into jail and the jail ****** addresses me as a male when I was 22 and am a female. I tell him under my breath “well it’s great that you arrested me and all and I know you are so entertained by me being in misery but how is this going to matter after I kill myself when I get out of here?” Then I am put in isolated cell they shove my chest into the cement floor and say they can’t stop shoving me because I would kick him. I yell “I CANT BREATHE.” I was never violent before then. I would never kick him. They take off my clothes. I am freezing all night long. I slam my head against the wall and pass out for 6 more hours after they won’t tell me the time or get me another blanket. And just walk right past me when I am banging on the door. I move to real cell the next day and passed out asleep for 2 days before I get bailed. I am having a dandy old time alone naked in my cell until they move me in with a woman who will not shut the fuck up. She is screaming at the inmate across the room telling me they are fighting like husband and wife. I tell her that’s another woman.

Then I am arrested for another DUI 2 months later. They tell me I failed the field test. I did the walking test fine and blew .01 over the limit. I get immediate bail that night.

Then I overdosed after they molested me and I swear I was dead for 4 minutes while getting stupid ass IVs in me. It was a retards idea to have me get IVs. I didn’t even take enough to die or get organ damage. But I was so stressed out from that. I had to stay overnight. They are shoving needles in my arms and putting shit all over my chest that’s giving me electromagnetic radiation damage. All they say is “You are Potassium deficient.”

I go home and no longer have a license for the next year. I have to walk everywhere. It is almost winter. I walk to the grocery store after dark because my parents are having house guests over (I fucking hate their house guests. I can’t stand to be around them for 1 minute. And I always have the worst molestation nightmares after they are at the house.) The white boss kicks me out for starting casual conversation with other woman in the store. And the Hispanic employee starts chasing me down the road once I leave with no where to go.

I find a needle with heroin tar under my mom’s bedside lamp when I accidentally spill her water. She turns into the devil and starts screaming at me. Her eyes are bloodshot and she won’t give me my pack of cigarettes. I call the cops to have them check out the needle and they must be blind they say “I don’t see anything” I’m like “what’s the heroin tar on the end of the needle then” (her brother was a heroin addict for 25 years and then OD’D in 2003) She comes out says I am taking psych meds and I am loony (I wasn’t- I refused to take any meds except the many times they have forced me with shots of psychiatric doses.) He’s an old fuck around her age. I was hoping it would be someone trustworthy who could get me away from this hellhole. (There is nobody like that, surprisingly) He won’t help. So I pack my bags. I go to her to ask her after her brother who she lived with won’t stop screaming at me because I drank some of his egg nog and because I got 2 stains on his carpet and he threatens to kick me out 3 times a week. if she can call the homeless shelter and see how I can live there.  (She’s moderately retarded, btw) Then she calls the crisis hotline and tweedle-dee and tweed-dum come to my doorstep. I say “who the fuck are these people and walk away” my mom says all this shit like “she overdosed. Blah blah blah.” I’m just like “don’t fucking talk to her, I hate her. I asked her to call homeless shelter, not two retards from hell.”

2 days later I am having a great time. I am having a wonderful sleep and hadn’t enjoyed tv for a while but was watching this hilarious cartoon and sitcom after I hadn’t been entertained for a long time. I’m awoken to 2 ugly stupid pathetic cops in my room. They say we are taking you to mental hospital (my 4th time. I was raped my 3rd time. And gained 65 pounds my 2nd time) The old bastard grabs my arm and pulls me out of bed.

I start having sleep paralysis in the hospital.

I started having nightmares in the hospital as well (my 2nd time)

I am now frequently plagued by sleep paralysis and nightmares.

I don’t know if it was before or after I started slamming my head that I got sleep paralysis. Because they wouldn’t let me go home and they wouldn’t shut the fuck up. So I started using my fists to slam myself in the head (I had never injured myself prior except for the time in jail.) Meanwhile knowing I didn’t really have a home to go home to (and I never have)

I was trying to go to homeless shelter. How did I end up there?

Then I am continuously molested. Over and over and over again. I don’t know why they are obsessed with me. I start slamming my head against wall ritually. Sometimes I’ll just do it because of memories of trauma. I must have slammed my head 20 times this year. And 5 times last year. I will also do it because I get frustrated, I was planning since 12 to kill myself at 18. End my life. Be dead. I am 23 now. Life is worse than I ever imagined it could be.

With 12 times being called the cops on. 5 marijuana and paraphernalia related charges. 1 petit theft (framed) 1 left turn from wrong lane. 1 parked on the wrong side of road. 3 speeding tickets. 1 reckless driving. 2 DUIs. 3 stays in jail. 73 nights in mental hospital. Attacked 10 times. Molested 10 times. Raped 7 times. Insulted 51 times. Stolen from 10 times. Sexually harassed 4 times. 5000$ charge on DUIs. Another 1000$ on a marijuana charge. 700$ on possession of alcohol minor (I found alcohol wasn’t going to drink it) 400$ in speeding tickets.

Why does God hate me to put me through this?

Or why do these immature white guys hate me?

Sometimes I slam my head because I hope if I slam hard enough I will die. I have no access to a gun (my preferred method)

I have also started scratching. Like I said I never self-harmed before this. But now I know all that is left of the world is evil. I scratched my stomach up and the wound was there for 4-5 months. I scratched up my arm. And tonight I scratched up my neck.

I think I have permanent brain damage now. My head is always aching. Nothing I can do about that. Except end it. Somehow soon, I hope.

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