Hi, I think that we live in a dissapointing world where nothing seems to make any sense. We are here just to be slaves of our sensations and nothing else. Life it’s unfair at it’s core, plagued with limitations and lack of opportunities, and afterwards there is nothing. I hope I am wrong, but I think we will never be anything more than a small meaningless existence.
In my case, I have never worked and without my parents I would be homeless and most likely dead (because of my own choice), and I already have 28 years. I despise the idea of just surviving working on a bad job you hate. I can’t study. I have issues with my memory. I tried before, I would study for one week and I would forget most things in less than a day. I think I have to try really hard to remember things. And I am too slow understanding concepts, I wasn’t able to keep on with high school mathematics, so imagine (I did not finish high school). I have concentration problems aswell. All I can do decently is playing a few characters in a videogame, if you ask me more I can’t even do it. I am pretty much a hopeless case.
I don’t have suicidal thoughts as in “having depression”, I don’t want to make the effort to live, it’s just not worth it. I am not dead because I have no responsabilities so I am not in a rush. That means I will eventually kill myself. Usually I feel somewhat satisfied doing things like playing videogames and other activities but it’s not even remotely decent enough to make me want to live (anhedonia related problems, they can’t be fixed, it’s part of a schizoaffective disorder). I am just lucky enough to have parents without financial problems, that sums it up. Even to me being alive for all these years makes no sense if you eliminate that factor.
Sometimes I wished I was already dead but I could always postpone it, so that’s what I did. I have spent almost all my life with the same perception and I am not going to change it at this point. For all I care I could die today. It’s getting to a point where I don’t consider suicide as a negative thing, I mean: I have had time to think about myself, my life, and experience some things I like. I have had time to make peace with myself and to accept death. I don’t fear nothingness anymore. I don’t want to speak about anything related to methods, but it’s easier nowadays, I don’t need to fear pain. If life is pain and death is the way to avoid it, then death is the better choice. I can’t stand the idea of being homeless and trying to survive with scraps, it would be hell on earth for me, I don’t desire that even to my worst enemy. So living is not even an option. It’s just a matter of time until I figure out the way to die and I pick a date.
I barely enjoy anything in life. I want to think about sex psychologically but the physical pleasure is not there. I try to eat food and I can barely taste it. I think about something positive and my mind feels almost no satisfaction. Anhedonia makes life hardly enjoyable. Sensations are what makes life have a point and mine don’t work as they should. It can’t be fixed with medication, I have tried.
I have no future. The only thing that awaits me it’s pointless survival where I take a job I would never consider because I am a human failure. Or just homelessness. I feel like my problems are bigger than most people’s problems and that makes things different. The solutions that work for other people don’t work for me.
I will ask my family to give me some money to find a reliable way to die. Living 28 years is much more than I hoped for. Originally I planned to kill myself with 23. I think it’s enough. I am happy to say that while I lived I didn’t have to face any real problems in terms of poverty.
I am working on my last words as I speak. I will upload it on youtube eventually and if it’s still there with no more information you will know I am dead. I will put English subtitles in case someone is curious enough to listen the audio.
I just hope I can find a painless way to kill myself without anyone making things harder for me. Once I have it I will be at peace for the remaining time I am alive. Wish me luck dying without pain, I will be in your debt.
2 comments
I totally understand how you feel. I am currently 20.5 years old, and I wanted to die before I turned 14. That’s right, FOURTEEN.
Thank you