I got so desperate I googled suicide

It’s wyld, being suicidal again. I was off and on okay for a long time, sad and even depressed for periods but not legitimately suicidal for years. But I’m back at it. Every day for weeks now, hours or minutes of reprieve sometimes still, but it’s so goddamn overwhelming. Especially when it feels like it’s fucking up my relationship with the most fantastic person I’ve known.
We’re becoming so long term, and I think anything without a designated ends scared the shit out of me. I’m destructive and I’m scared it’s gonna make our togetherness unlivable, I just shut out the world and them, I can’t exist as myself for more than a few months at a time until I go back into this . Whatever This is.
I’m so fuckin ready fam.