I think I want to be sad and depressed. Today, I actually chose to be sad and depressed. Since I’ve started posting on here I have felt a little better. For a few weeks I was actually getting better and even felt fine for a few days. Tbh, I couldn’t handle being “normal”. It felt strange and abnormal. Being sad, depressed and suicidal actually makes me a better person. Feeling fine and integrating with society made me selfish and placed pressure on me to live in a way and have things within society’s expectations. Feeling like loser carries no expectations. Being a failure and a loser, I find calming inside me. Like I’m being me. I don’t have to leave the house. I can just stay in and be depressed. Ultimately that’s who I am. Being me. Only problem is that no one in my life can accept this me.
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I think this post is another side of me. Not like my previous posts. I’m so messed up right now. I could really do with being dead right now.
Lordswrath appreciate this post. I have mutism and severe agoraphobia. No one understands mutism. I can relate to every word in this post. Thanks for sharing. I went to integrating with society and found that I better be myself than be a monster.
Another side of you. . . that makes sense.
You make an interesting point. I understand what you say about just being you. I’m ok, until I set foot in the world and try to fit in. As long as I’m isolated and alone, there’s no problem, but when I step out “there”, fish out of water. It would be nice if there was a segment of the economy set aside for the depressed – a whole field of employment that you could do from the comfort and safety of your bedroom.
I had to Google mutism. I didn’t know there was a name for this condition. When I had my first serious depression, I’m pretty sure I suffered this too. I would go without speaking to anyone quite a lot of days. I used to work 10 hours a week. 5 hours a day over the weekend. That was my only time I had to speak. I was delivery driver. Which I enjoyed at that time because I didn’t have to speak anyone except to say how much the food was. I didn’t speak to my work mates cos we were too busy and we had a good system in place where we didn’t need to speak to each other but still carry out our jobs. I remember thinking at that time that I probably only spoke 100 words a week. But I couldn’t speak. Not even when I was alone. Wouldn’t even say “ouch” when stubbed my toes. Or “ffs” when I knocked over a glass of water and it smashed on to the floor. I felt like something in my brain forced me to stop talking. Even if there was something I wanted to say.
My sister got married around that time too. I remember not speaking to her in laws when I first met them and my brother shouting at me in front of them as to why I’m not talking to them. Even to this day I go mute in front of people. I can’t handle talking to more that 2 people at a time. Sometimes even then I go mute. I heavily rely on alcohol when it comes to any social environment. Then I embarrass myself because I get stupidly drunk.
I get what you’re saying, but you don’t have to be sad and depressed because you are alone and an outcast to society. You can get things done alone that you could never get done in a crowd of people. That’s why I wish to build a home off the grid and live out of society. I think most people in society are phonies. Alone you can discover much more. There is a deep ocean to delve into. You can’t always do that with the straight and narrow people there sticking their face in your way.