I haven’t written in a while. A few years actually. I, honestly, for a while there, thought I was going to be okay. I thought it was getting better. I thought the three am thoughts were going away. I thought the pain in my chest was lifting. I thought my midnight sobs had quieted down. I thought the darkness was fading, but I was wrong. I was wrong about it all. I guess I just pushed it away for the time being. I was okay, or at least I believed I was. Here lately, it seems as if everything is crashing down around me. My worlds coming to an end. I truly believe that. My life isn’t what it used to be and it isn’t what it’s supposed to be. I’ve always had this vision for my life, to be successful, have a future, but now, whenever I try to imagine it, I can’t. It’s all blurry and that scares me. The fact that I can’t see a future for myself anymore. It makes me think if suicide is the answer. I’ve always said that I could never go through with it because of my loved ones. Because I don’t want them going through the same pain I go through on a daily basis, but now, I’m not so sure. I can’t tell whether they want me around or not anymore. I can’t tell if I matter to them anymore. I can’t tell if I’m wanted or if I’m a nuisance. When I see a future without me in it I see everyone I love being happy without. How fucked up is it that I can see a future where I commit suicide, but I can’t see the future I want for myself.
~Kninea
3 comments
Hello: I am feeling the same way. Can’t picture myself getting old….I used to think of things I would do when I retire…now nothing. This heaviness is only something we can explain to one another. I wish sometimes it would look visual as then people would see. Know that there are others in the same boat, and hopefully we can try and get to some type of happiness whatever that may be. ????
No matter what you may feel, those people in your life will not be better off without you. They won’t be happy without you. Our minds think that because we can’t like ourselves that no one else can either. That’s so far from the truth. Stay strong and hold on to the fact that you do have people who care about you.
You have loved ones. At least you have that. I have no one. Literally no one on this planet cares if i live or die. No one. It sounds hypocritical for me to tell you that that’s something to live for, but maybe it is.