I’ve always had depression, and thoughts of suicide. They’ve been glazed over by good times where everything seemed okay,but lurking they where still there. There was a time I was strong enough to battle them back I had the help of a wonderful supportive woman. She’s gone now and that’s another story.
I’ve always had the support of my family, nothing indicates why this chose me to be honest I come from a good upper class home. I have everything I want and need I have a good job but I’m out on injury leave.
Backtracking this all came about the age of 10 I was a carefree kid just a normal 10 year old. My teachers mentioned I had trouble concentrating in class (thinking back it’s because I wasn’t interested in what they where teaching not that I had trouble concentrating)
Anyway that was the big ADHD and ADD boom time. Mom not knowing better took me to doctors where I fell under that category apparently.
I don’t Remember the names of all the medications some made me sleepy some made me angry or anxious none of them did anything for the concentration because I didn’t have that problem in the first place. By 14 I decided I wasn’t taking anything anymore I went cold turkey off whatever I was prescribed and never turned back. But that’s when the darkness hit the depression. It didn’t help that during those years I lost some close friends. A couple to suicide and a couple freak accidents one I witnessed and that sight sticks with me and haunts me to this day. I spiraled out of control not knowing how to handle any of this. And keeping it hidden the best I could for my parents for everyone else. I started keeping friends at bay at 16 I decided I’d had enough it was late night I remember my parents where in bed already I was alone fighting that demon inside. I’d sent one last text that unintentionally tipped a friend off in the strangest way that something wasn’t right later she said she could just feel that something was wrong.
I plunged a knife into my left arm I expected to feel pain but I felt nothing at all gouge after gouge blood was everywhere I remember thinking that’s a lot of blood. I watched as I bled I finally felt that pressure releasing as disgusting as that sounds all the anger the hate the pain the sadness. I started fading in and out of conciseness. I was sitting on the floor with my back against my bed. my head finally slumped down and I drifted off into sleep. I thought it was over. Little did I know that friend was already on her way the next thing I remember is coming to in a hospital bed patched back together. My first thought was well I fucked that up too. My second was how I would face my family. I was eventually released after some time there when they thought I’d be alright. With new diagnoses PTSD GAD MDD.
I refused the medicine as soon as I got home I didn’t trust it anymore.
So nothing really changed I still had that demon rattling his cage some days it was a struggle more than others just to survive. Again this was all hidden behind a fake smile and a don’t worry I’m fine. The only reason I made it to the next stage is because I didn’t as bad as it sounds have a efficient way of offing myself not to sound picky but I was just worried about failing again.
At age 21 it was late summer I had a repeat.
I was involved in a car accident I had some injuries prescribed painkillers and xanax for some reason they glazed everything over for a while I finally felt okay. In the back of my mind I knew that this was not okay this was not the way I could sustain forever.
But it was keeping me alive for now. But the depression started hitting me again I was laid off from a decent job my only source of income
There was other things involved that motivated this but It’s irrelevant at this point. I woke up one morning and decided it was time. I downed both medications the entire contents of the bottles. It wasn’t a good feeling this time into it I started feeling very sick and guilty. But it probably wasn’t more than a hour before I had no memory of what happened a neighbor found me collapsed halfway through the front door. I woke up three days later in the ICU. I did die several times according to the doctor and was “incredibly lucky to be alive ” Again i was put through the whole psychological unit and was supposed to go to outpatient but never followed up. Why? I didn’t feel like sitting around talking about it would help I had trouble getting close to people and I wanted to distance myself from the stigma.
I found some inner reason to get off the painkillers and quit going to the injury doctor. Plus I’m sure they would have found out and cut me off anyway.
So I got off those never turned back.
I managed after all this to start getting on my feet again by myself medication free I had some struggles. I had my demon still there.
But kept him at bay with the thought of “if I was supposed to die I’d be surely be dead by now”
I was riding on the hopes that things would get better. And they did for a time they got wonderful I met a amazing woman we where engaged, we had great careers. But she had a terminal son I won’t go into to much detail about him because it hurts me to much to think about it. Over the past year his health was on the decline, everywhere we looked doctors had no answers for us. I tried to keep us all going as much as I could she tried too but became depressed and shut down. I’m guessing you can put together where things went from there.
And I don’t blame her one bit her and her sons pain weigh heavily on my heart. But once again I was put in a situation where my hands where tied.
Now I’m here at 26 alone
drowning again Im tired of fighting this fight over and over every day. The hope that things would get better has been crushed. I took early preventive measures because I knew this was going to be bad. I went to the doctor and got some kolonopin prescribed just because I knew it would help keep my pain at bay for a while. And it did work initially I was mentally numb. But I still feel dead inside no matter what I do. Adding insult to injury one of my old friends whom i recently connected with committed suicide a week ago. Self inflicted gunshot wound. I at least got to say goodbye before they took him off life support. I felt like I was the only one in the room that felt his pain that knew that struggle and feeling , I didn’t cry for him I knew he was at peace even if it meant leaving us as bad as that may sound.
I thought it was a little ironic here I am thinking the same thing.
I don’t know what caused this originally but this is something I’ve lived and struggled with for so long. I’m worn out and I’m tired, I’m tired of being let down I’m tired of fighting I’m tired of these feelings.im tired of pain.
when is okay to just say enough is enough and step off?
If you took the time to read through this mess. Thank you.
-KM
5 comments
I read it all. What I get, is it is the same as I am. I was married, 15 years, wife left me after having multiple guys and giving me Ghonoreah. That wasn’t the worst, the worst was the depression it caused, perhaps what was already there, likely was, but that started me off taking it harder. I tried to end it one night, took pills and went down face first into the water. I was put in the ward, while there, she filed, wasted no time, she had other guys already lined up. To this day, I am dealing with it all 3 years later, it never ends, always in my mind, now the coming week will need to file for bankruptcy. Only thing keeping me here is my mom, she depends on me, I am all she has and all I have. But, at 92, I know that one day Ill lose even her. It sounds horrible, and it is, but part of my wishes I didn’t have to consider that. I would love to go now, and tonight Im going out there to visit the place I will end my life… night decided in the future. But, I know its coming.
I am 51, try starting over, with no family real friends, or a woman to help me either. I also have a broken wrist, even doing basic things is getting impossible.
I firmly believe it is OK to die. I am a Christian. I am not a quitter, but I honestly feel that there are cases where it is best to end life. I am one of them, and I will die soon. I already feel it, prepping myself as I will be tonight.
I dunno why it is this way, some of us just end up this way.
I have tried to be happy, it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t. For a while, it is an illusion, never lasts.
Im just done.
I feel for you.
I wish I could tell you not to, but how can I when I am.
I relate. Especially with the suicidal thoughts and feelings since I was younger. They have been glazed over, for sure, but they never fucking go away. It’s like a goddamn STAIN; the feelings and thoughts just will. not. leave. I’m so fucking tired man, just as you are. Why is it so hard to die on your own terms? People say it gets better, just take it one day at a time, but I don’t believe that. I think people just learn to become more numb. We’re living fucking zombies.
I read it all and I didn’t understand why do you want to die?
If we look upon your life it seems that the first trigger was heavy medication at age 10.
but that is all. How would you explain the demons living upon your mind?
really curious about it. hope you get better.
I’m just not happy I’ve been trying to find some inkling of happiness my whole life but like another reader said it’s a illusion it’s taken from you. And the demon it seems fitting to refer to that as depression because sometimes it’s locked away it’s under control. But it’s always there always ready to creep up behind me when I’m down.
And There’s been things I’ve left out but it’s one downhill slide after another lately.
Would you consider a physical defect?
There is a great TED lecture about mental health, and the importance it has.
Many times, our brains can be lacking of good functioning. Perhaps your brain, is a little bit different.
Depression can occur from two things: 1. Experience. 2. Physical damage/ functioning damage.
You should know it, because: 1. you should treat yourself, and take care of yourself as a “sick” person, and do what ever it takes to get “better”. 2. It gives a relief