I’m so fucked up & I don’t know how to recover from it

  October 12th, 2017 by D2DA

My life is so domestically fucked up, I’m still irked at how I’m functioning even when I’m gone through all the shit that I’ve went through. This past year has been a traumatic year. I’m bisexual and I was raped by a 50 year old gay guy – that led me to getting PTSD, disassociating from myself, and spiraling into decline…I broke up with my girlfriend because I was convinced that I was gay and that I didn’t need love because I didn’t know how a person could love after being violated so badly. After that, I went through a myriad of same-sex encounters that when I think about now, just leave me into an anxiety-ridden panic attack. I don’t know why that is. I know I’m bi, I fully accept that but maybe if I was straight, then I wouldn’t have gone through what I went through. On top of that, this year has been a hail storm of shit. I got rejected from all universities that I’ve applied to. I don’t want to bring it up again but I was raped. It really leaves a scar on a person. I’m not damaged anymore but I’m still fucked up by it. I tried to commit suicide after. This year has been really tough on me. I went into self-harm. I went into self-medication. Rape is such a strong word. It’s such a strong experience to have gone through. It really impacts a person’s life. This year has been hard, even without getting raped. I was kicked out of all institutions I was previously recruited in, all my friends turned on me, I didn’t see an end. I don’t know how I survived…damn. I was planning on killing myself on New Years but I don’t plan on going through with it only because I see a future for me where I’ll be at peace with myself. I’d rather me go through all this shit rather someone else, am I right? Life is just one ***** lol

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