it is time

i have been suicidal for years. come close several times. never have i had the voice in my head tell me it is time. until now. over and over again it tells me that. at seemingly random times. when i am out , at work etc etc. i suffer from major depression. have since i was a child way past that now. this time of year is hard for me for several reasons. i get seasonal affective disorder. november is the anniversary of my mom’s death. the holidays have always been rough. january is the anniversary of my dad’s death. they died unexpectedly at relatively young ages within 6 weeks of each other. so it goes the usual sad story blah blah blah. it is time. that voice tells me. i have done my time it says. i am one of those people who can hide in plain sight. a talent of mine i developed over the years. with that invisibility comes a talent for erasing myself from peoples lives. a strong belief that if i’m not here it won’t be a big deal. anyone who has felt alone in a crowd knows what i am talking about. i was doing one of my favorite things (Sonic Boom-rock concert) and i still felt alone. that voice was there. i am not looking for advice. i know what i need to do. i have a time in mind. a means is easy enough to get. while i have promised my therapist i would call in an emergency i don’t know if i will. it is time.