Me

October 11th, 2017by AnonRaigonis

So, this is my first time. Reaching out. To strangers.

I will be honest, I tried talking over this with my teacher. But, it didn’t really came across. And I don’t want to burden her anymore than I already did. So now I turn to strangers, from perhaps the other side of the world.
I find this to be amazing. As if no one care. They can scroll on.

But at the same time, the people who took their time to see me here. I would feel bad for hurting them. Hurting you.

Then again, are you hurt? Or like many, you are hollow right now. Yearning for senses, feelings. Even pain.
Well, whatever the reason you came here. You are here now. Skip it if you want, or take a seat. I’m not sure how long it will go on. And I’m not a native speaker so don’t expect too much from me. But. Here we go I guess.

 

 

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The dots are there more to calm myself. I can’t bear to look back to what I wrote. Or what I did.

I usually can’t look at myself in the mirrors. It is normal really. I hate getting my picture taken too. I mean why? There is almost no reason to. If it is about creating a facade to masquerade around. I can do that just fine. If it is about living on in memories. I really, really wish that no one remember me.

But at the same time, still kind of do.

I want to be cared about. Yes. I do. And I got all the attention I could ever ask for. I got a caring family, an understanding teacher, and really good friends.

Well, I lost a few important ones recently.

I burnt some bridges.

Sorry, you will see me digress a lot.

But then again, do you see me? Or do you see whatever it is that my words present, and your mind translate it to be.

Where was I? yea, I was lucky. Like really really lucky. I have a decent roof over my head since young, never had to go hungry. And I don’t freeze to death in the winter.

People do.

So I was lucky.

I am really luck

But I don’t understand that.

So I messed some stuffs up

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I don’t know why you are here. Not to get to know someone I hope. Not a very cheery atmosphere for that.

But, even then, let me tell you about myself. What I think of myself recently. All bad of course

I am lazy, and weak, and dumb, almost always. Forgivable, maybe. But I am also, heinous, malicious, and evil.
It is more accurate to say, I have been proving myself to be so as of late.

I hurt a lot of people I cared about.
Some of which intentional.

Why.

They were good friends, more than that. Family

But I hurt them with things sharper than knives. Words.

It is a cliche, I know. But being at the end of a knife for so many times. I think the blade dull in comparison to how much words can hurt.

And now, to forget my crimes. I binge watch Youtube, play video games. Like I did before. They help me to distract myself. Distract myself from going to the answer to a question I had for so long

How to do good, when you are not?

I am not good. And people may say, you may say. “Well, don’t just accept it. Change. Overcome it with great effort”. I tried.

I tried.

And it got better for a while.

Then the calm

Then the storm

then the silence

now, here I am. Back to square one.

I am tired

I want an answer.

I know the answer

You know the answer

I can always die.

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It is not that easy for me to die.
I am a coward

I cant do it without going at 70 mph.

or accelerating at 9,8 m^2/s (rate of acceleration of free fall. I know, I am a nerd)
yea

I don’t got the balls to do that “slit your own wrist” kind of things. I tried, and I bled. But it wasn’t deep enough. And I always bring bandage.

What can I say, I am a coward.

But then, it is also because of a promise I made.

Yes, it involve a girl. A love story. A stupid one. If I ever come back, perhaps I will tell it.

But yea, she knows me. Like “she pierces through my soul and my essence” kind of knows me. So her words before going. “Live”

It isn’t as dark a story as some of you might have heard out there, or might have experienced for yourself. Nor was it that much more believable.

But it was my story.

And well, let just say it kept me going

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Anyway, this is me. As I am right now. I am ready to go. But I got no way to go.

I am rational enough to know my fear, and more than that, I know how much I would hurt some people. How some of them would blame themselves for my going. They shouldn’t. I planned this for years. And they delayed it for that long a time now.

There is nothing anyone can do really.

But then again you are all familiar with this right?

 

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Hey, can all of you who read this do me a solid?
I have heard like a thousand professional advice for suicide prevention and a thousand more on psychology of depression and all of that. They all sounded mechanical. Taught.
And for me, they just drive me off the edge.

You cease to be human when you start sounding like that. You become a professional angel, who job is to save the people who don’t want saving. And sorry, this devil in particular. He is fed up with your sweet words.

Humanly words. Harsh. Cold. Apathetic.

or perhaps, a few of you, many maybe. Warm, kind, understanding.

But I expect silence really.

I am but one in a sea of voices.

and I can flicker out. As more flicker in

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