I lashed out on my mom today.
We were working on my visa for going abroad. She was being impatience. I knew that she was worried about me. Been so all her life. She made it clear that her kids are the ONLY important thing in life. It is not a good life she was given, but somehow, my pathetic existence made it better.
I know that. But I lashed out on her. I was being mad at her, for being so impatience. Publicly too.
I look back, and I have been doing that too damn often lately. I mean she is my mother. The best one I could ever have, the only one I have. She is out there right now, waiting for me to have my dinner, because got into a fight with her again and was being a big baby about it. Starving myself.
I hit her a few time. I am a fking monster. What kind of kid hit his own mother.
But I did.
Worse though. It doesn’t hurt her as bad as when I hurt myself.
I know that. Which is why I do all of this. To hurt her.
Maybe I want her to hate me. So I can just leave. Or maybe that is just me making excuses for the useless fking being that I am. I am a scoundrel, a bastard, and over all piece of shit
She wouldn’t want me to think like that. My mom.
And neither would her…
I just said sorry to my mom.
Hope that didn’t just ruin the mood.
She is understanding. Why would she be so understanding.
I know that there might be bad moms out there. But my mom is not one. Am I lucky, or is it unfortunate.
She is one of the few reasons I still go on.
I want to live for her. I want to take care of her. At the same times, I am afraid that I will just keep hurting her, that I will keep failing her. And you know what is the worst part?
I can’t fail her. To her, there is nothing that I can do that will be a failure. So long as I don’t steal or kill people, and even then I doubt she would consider me her life failure, she would pity me, and perhaps be disappointed. But failing her is impossible like that.
There are 2 women that are like a mother to me. My mom, of course.
And her. The first person I loved. Love. Like that.
And the reason why I am mentioning her now is that, as ridiculous as this might sound, I am having problem just going in this site.
Each time I go in, it get longer and longer to actually load into the page. And I used a clock as reference so I know it isn’t just me.
She almost always take care of me. And even now that she is gone. I still like she is. I wouldn’t be surprise if somehow, all my life detail, all the times I fall, all the life lessons I learnt, and all the things I know I should and shouldn’t do instinctively, they all had a bit of her voice, her touch, her thoughts in it.
She wants me to live on.
Maybe she think it is unhealthy for me to keep going here.
But I am god damn stubborn. Even when I know she is right. I just had to do the wrong things.
I don’t know.
If you are reading this. Am I wrong? How do you want me to go on?
I am just lost. And your signs, they are there, but I stopped knowing how to read them…