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I was always a loner, I am just the girl who would sit in the corner and read alone, having only a few friends. I’m also one to have a lot of secrets and put on layers and layers of masks, to hide the brocken form and tears… and soon, I nolonger know how to cry, how to laugh from my heart, or how to smile truely. I hide away behind the walls, and isolated myself even more to protect what’s left of me, to protect my thick fire walls and masks. And due to those suppressed emotions, I always have a problem with my temper, which leads to lesser friends and more enermy. And soon, even my family life became messed up, I would blow up on them, yell things that I never ment to say st them. Now, sometimes, I would wonder how the true me is like… I no longer knows.
My lif e was so messed up, I throw things, I yell at things, I see things in the dark, and at night, I wanted to cry, but I can’t, any more.
When I started my first year in secondery school, I can’t take it… so I downed a handful of unknown pills from my dormate, and it didn’t work, at all.
after that, I have ran away from home, and self harmed a few times by banging my head against the wall repeatedly, nothing big.
My family have became so broken… and out of a desprate attempt to mend my family relationship, I started cutting myself… but I’m scared,of what I would become.
I used to have so many dreams, so many possable feuture… But what would happen to me now?

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6 comments

lxmyrick 10/16/2017 - 11:18 am

I am still young, but I understand how you hide your true self with a mask and hide yourself .

defalt120 10/16/2017 - 2:29 pm

All I see are ***** cuts. nothing deep, nothing life threatening. if you wanted attention you could’ve just told people you wanted to die instead of faking an attempt.

defalt120 10/16/2017 - 2:35 pm

I don’t blame you for using this method though, I too used it on my first attempt. tried it once and never again. For one the depth of the cut is incredible if you want to cut a artery/vain. second of all, Its 76 out of 100 on the agony scale according to a website. And last but not least, you don’t die instantly. it gives you few hours and in those few hours you can choose to regret it. I’m not gonna lie I did go deep, I cut till yellow fat started showing up on my arm. All in all, its unreliable.

mllekathy 10/19/2017 - 9:19 pm

Please don’t shame her for “faking an attempt”. Many people do not do it to die, they do it to feel something other than pain. You must know how it feels, obviously.

On a side note, I cut into dead people’s skin for a living. I’m a Mortician. If you see fat, that is really deep and I could not ever imagine seeing that come out of my own skin. I know how deep that is. I’m sorry you did that. That image must stick by you always. Not to mention the pain. But I do agree with you, that would be an agonizing way to go. I hope neither of you try that (again).
-B

NotAlright 10/16/2017 - 6:20 pm

I know very well those cuts are not deep. But… I’m just afraid. Of what would happen, of what my dreams will become now. I wanted to be saved and yet I don’t, I wished for pain and yet I wish not. I’m arguing with myself, on the inside. I just feel so… Lost.

mllekathy 10/19/2017 - 9:15 pm

Not Alright,
You don’t want die from the looks of what you are writing, but you are unhappy–that’s apparent. I cannot even begin to understand what you are going through. But blowing up on people, losing friends, there’s something you are battling in your head. You are struggling with it and it’s causing you to lash out. And when you lose friends, or loved ones, it’s doesn’t even feel any better. It feels worse.
You need to just say it to them. If you love those people and don’t want to lose them, then tell them that you are sad most of the time. That you need them to be your rock. And I’m sure those people will hug you and comfort you, and tell you that they will stand by you.
Good luck.
-B.

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