I couldn’t stop feeling like I was dragging this weird karma behind me, entering this site.
I really believe that the way you feel deep down can seriously influence how others perceived you. Even if you don’t express this outwardly, people can often ‘sense’ something and I just didn’t like how “fake” I felt. I feel like most of the time I weren’t even myself, as though I’m afraid of something. Even on here I’m afraid of people. People’s reactions, people’s feelings — the things that shouldn’t matter but do matter, and I can’t shake that feeling when I feel like I’m unable to be my authentic self. That’s my fault, I keep stopping myself from thinking. I have a lot of issues and most of them are caused by me, one of them is putting my mind under that much stress I can’t figure out who I am and most of my personality gets suffocated under this invisible black mass.
I need people to know me for who I am, not this “fake” robotic thing… I’m feeling so much like a prototype. I can’t control this prototype. It just happens, like my real self ran away somewhere and this thing took over. It’s as though I am imitating myself. Why can’t I open up? Why can’t I find myself again? Why won’t I let myself be me?? This starts happening in public too, robotic self taking over… going through the motions and I’m too scared to be emotional in person… I’m putting myself into a box of expectations, expectations I deluded myself into believing people hold against me…
Every time I open my mouth, I can feel the real me sinking further into the back of my mind… no, that doesn’t make sense… it’s as though the illness, my depression, has made it retreat until I can get better, right now I’m not better and feel like I’m not going to be better for quite some time. Why does my most destructive state have to bring me comfort? Why is my comfort zone so detrimental? Why do I feel more at ease being depressed and not allowing myself to get better?? This is sick… I’m sick… I should want to get better but I can’t…
I wonder if any of you can guess who this is.
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I could swear some people ‘sense’ when you have been abused as a child, realize how vulnerable you are to on the job (or where ever) harassment, and they go for the kill.
Yup, it happens everywhere, not just at work. It happens most often in relationships and with so-called friends who’re just there to abuse/use/manipulate you.
This is why some people always wind up in abusive relationships, or always wind up with “friends” screwing you over, or wind up not having friends because you just don’t trust people anymore. Bad people seek out the vulnerable, and it is true that stuff happens to some people over and over and over again. The victim ALWAYS gets blamed. But no one ever blames the perpetrator. Bad people are like sharks, attracted to blood. They seek out the vulnerable, damaged, broken, depressed people and go for the kill.
I doubt I know who you are, but everything you say still feels like I could’ve written it myself. Constantly being worried about what others think of me, the fear of rejection dominating every aspect of my social life, wanting to be accepted just for who I am.
I don’t know how to deal with this. Even in my therapy group I tend to not talk about very emotional things, I stay quiet and try to hold back things that I fear will make them think badly of me. I want to open up to someone so badly, to be just who I am, but it feels practically impossible.
And then I end up putting on one of various masks depending on who it is I am with, none of which are really me, none of which I want to be. I hate those masks, because they hide who I am, but at the same time I need them because they protect me from the rejection that I would experience, and they keep alive the few connections to other people I still have, most of all my family. Yes, the depressed comfort zone is where I retreat to as well, to protect myself from this very rejection.
If you ever find a way out of this dilemma, please let me know, because I’ve been searching for as long as I can remember, but I have yet to find a permanent solution.
I could no longer stomach the mask my mind decided to shield me with through my previous account. I keep on putting on these masks and it is so difficult to take them off. I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s as though when I get really repulsed by myself I feel myself become an opposite version of me, an alternative version, a robotic version, a fake, anyone so I can feel more at ease with myself..
When I was last on the site, people’s responses never felt like they were replying to me yet this “imitation” of myself which only hurt me more, the fact I couldn’t control it so I often felt on the outside, even through my own posts I was never really there. I have so much in my life happening right now, all sorts of things, and this has lately been damaging to my Self. I keep blanking out, losing touch, losing feeling.. the most torturous part is when friends pick up on this. Right now I feel imprisoned, yet this “thing” keeps taking over. I no longer feel light as a feather, there is a lot of weight on my shoulders, my thoughts weigh so much I can feel my skull cracking underneath them..
Thank you for feeling my personality.. these replies seem a lot more real than my old replies… it feels like for once I’m being spoken to, instead of this mask I’ve got stuck to my face…
My emotions feel so painfully mute.
Depression and suicide is my only comfort zone too, it hurts but in a good way. Knowing that you can kill yourself any moment you’re trapped is the only reason I’m striving for a better future.