So many noises. All of it just annoying static. None of it remotely interesting. None of it worth listening to. Yet it keeps buzzing in my ears. I get up and I move my fucking bean poles left right left right left right left right left right to go to the next fucking hell hole bullshit class. None of it matters. I keep moving and none of it matters. Anyone going to say anything? Anyone? I’m just screaming into a void that just echoes noises. Like every other place. Monday is the day I talk to a counselor. Not like that does anything. I’m just trapped into this routine. But not really. I can just get in the car and drive off. On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Where would I go? I don’t know. What would I do? I don’t know. What will I see? I don’t know. Where am I going? I don’t know. Not a single one of you is going to say anything are you? Don’t blame you. You got your own problems. When was the last time I talked to someone? Anyone? Had a conversation? I’m silent, barely saying anything. Saying nothing? Tired so tired. nothing nothing nothing tired tired tired. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. So tired. I was asked if I have a plan to kill myself. Ofcourse I do. Why wouldn’t I? The trick is how to do it and making it stick. Jumping off the fourth floor? Could survive with a ton of broken bones. Can’t OD on the trazadone. Knives? Have to make sure I go through it completely. Need to make a big enough gash in the neck. Otherwise nothing. I need out. I want out. Give it to me. So sick. So tired. no no no no no non no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. Out out out out out out out out out. whatever.
4 comments
I hope I don’t cause any more noise for you, but what about driving to DisneyLand? To sneak in, of course.
Drive off to outback or wooded forests about 3-4 states east or west. Camp out and learn to be one with nature. It is what the spiritual masters like to do. Preferable a place with many trees. Take weapons like a spear, carving knife, firestarters, anything light. Live there until you feel you can’t survive. Then come back and watch the news 2 or 3 years later. See if anything has changed. Then go get a job at a matinee theatre. Or build and invent things for a better future. Or get involved in a good community. Maybe you could get a job at a giant research industry like NASA where they all have their own stations in one giant auditorium sized room and crowd together to do data and research. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO DO? I DONT KNOW EITHER. WHAT MIGHT SEEM IMPORTANT?
I like the idea of
A. House in wooded area to study, collect, build, invent stay in and don’t really do employment, but helping those nearish to me or the closest small town with odd jobs or errands.
B. Doing cargo on a pier. Crew on cargo ship.
C. Designing architecture.
D. Travel from town to town doing small work in mobile home every town kind of like Bob Dylan – Tangled (1 town = less oppurtunities. Move towns and they have bigger factories. Different culture.) Maybe Alaska, Oceanside towns, Midwest, Dakotas, Maine. Photograph.
E. Travel from town to town as a Truck Driver.
F. A piano/music man playing at the bars on cruise ships or clubs. Probably Piano.
G. Travel wide. Trek for treasure in mountains of Spain or wherever treasure may be found.
H. Mineral/ precious stone miner
I. Go to school get a doctorate.
J. Work for something HUGE like at Empire State Building
K. Disappear. Roam streets. Walk across the border into Mexico or Canada. Sleep wherever looks warm and is free from harassment.
L. Sign onto small contests like for chess or game shows, trivia more on a local level for extra cash or for just fun.
M. Work in a small shop on top of mountain or some tourist area.
O. Crisis clean-up. Doctor/aid.
P. Psychadelic rock band complete with light shows mandelas & trippy instrumentals
What do you think of because I cannot decide.
I’ve come up with some funny ideas like
A. Have local girls submit topless photos and put together a local titty magazine. Sell out of a van called the Titty-Mobile.