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Please Kill Me

by Teresa's Child

I’ve really not leaned on God for much. I’ve really never asked for anything. I just want to die. It’s all I pray for. Let me die, and not be reincarnated. I don’t want to be reborn, or have eternal life in heaven, or be blessed. I want to stop existing.

Why? Why can I not have this one thing?? People ask for so much. They give each other gifts, they lend each other money, they give each other love. I just want someone to give me death? Why is no one kind enough to just kill me.

I’m not a good person. But even I have shown compassion to some people in my life. I’ve helped them, done some good deeds. How much good karma do I need to just be allowed to die????? When will the suffering end, when will the pain go away?

I’ve tried so many things. But this damn body reflexively fights to survive. I’ve tried drowning with my hands and feet tied to 50lb weights, but when I breathed in my first breath of water, reflexes kicked in and I broke my wrists and swam up. I’ve tried jumping off a building only to flip reflexively in midair and fall on my forearms and break them. I’m not allowed to own a gun because of my stints in the mental hospital.

But I’ve tried cutting my throat, which kind of worked but I only nicked a vein before passing out, and I was found and revived. I tried hanging myself, but I can’t tie knots to save my life (or end it). I’ve tried suicide by cop which just landed me in the ER.

I’ve done so much! I’m literally begging for a little help, just a small miracle for some good soul to come along and do it for me. So much for “god helps those that help themselves.” No one can say I haven’t tried. I’ve fucking tried.

What kind of curse is this? I feel like I’m god damn immortal, and I hate it.

6 comments
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6 comments

CARLOSPEJUAN 10/7/2017 - 1:34 pm

Try living, usually people die while they’re living.

Mordred 10/7/2017 - 9:46 pm

21 years of it, but thanks for the advice I guess.

Black Holez 10/7/2017 - 3:41 pm

If you’re like me and people wronged you, I’d say instead of self-loathing and self-hate, channel that hatred and bitterness out instead. Instead of killing yourself, kill those who oppressed or wronged you. If they try play mind games, play it back to them ten-fold instead. If there’s one thing that keeps me going, it’s the thought that one day I will get back at my enemies. I’m just biding my time, waiting to strike. When they least expect it, is the day when their loved ones die and wish they didn’t try to screw with me. I’m learning growing my own food as we speak. I’m also planning to learn how to create bullets, melting lead, replacing primers and creating white powder (as opposed to gunpowder) in order to make me less visible on the grid when sh*t hits the fan as much as possible. I want them to experience the pain I did, only ten-fold and want what they did to me to haunt them back.

Mordred 10/7/2017 - 9:50 pm

No BH, I’m not like you. I’m almost certain of that. I don’t want to rely on hatred or bitterness, I’m trying to remove those qualities inside myself. It takes a little bit of self love to do what you’re doing and try so hard to fight back.

I just don’t have that. No one has wronged me, every event in my life has been justified. But thanks for responding, I do appreciate it.

whiskered-fish 10/7/2017 - 11:04 pm

I’ll never understand why it’s so easy to die on accident, but so difficult to die on purpose. The inverse law of mortality, haha.

Maybe it’ll happen to you on accident, when you aren’t even trying to die.

kevin762 10/8/2017 - 9:37 am

I don’t have much to add as far as dying, I too have made attempts in the past one pills where should have been enough to kill 10 full grown men. Fuckers at the ICU revived me 3-4 times I don’t remember I was hazy for a week after I woke up finally. I bled out once same thing woke up in the ER patched up.
I’ve been in unintentional accidents that should have killed me too I don’t get it either that feeling of immortality sucks
However this time I bought a rifle. So when I decide it’s time to go it’ll be time to go. I am a little worried about it failing too though and maybe that’s what’s holding me back.
That and where some poor bastard is going to have to clean me up.

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