I’ve really not leaned on God for much. I’ve really never asked for anything. I just want to die. It’s all I pray for. Let me die, and not be reincarnated. I don’t want to be reborn, or have eternal life in heaven, or be blessed. I want to stop existing.
Why? Why can I not have this one thing?? People ask for so much. They give each other gifts, they lend each other money, they give each other love. I just want someone to give me death? Why is no one kind enough to just kill me.
I’m not a good person. But even I have shown compassion to some people in my life. I’ve helped them, done some good deeds. How much good karma do I need to just be allowed to die????? When will the suffering end, when will the pain go away?
I’ve tried so many things. But this damn body reflexively fights to survive. I’ve tried drowning with my hands and feet tied to 50lb weights, but when I breathed in my first breath of water, reflexes kicked in and I broke my wrists and swam up. I’ve tried jumping off a building only to flip reflexively in midair and fall on my forearms and break them. I’m not allowed to own a gun because of my stints in the mental hospital.
But I’ve tried cutting my throat, which kind of worked but I only nicked a vein before passing out, and I was found and revived. I tried hanging myself, but I can’t tie knots to save my life (or end it). I’ve tried suicide by cop which just landed me in the ER.
I’ve done so much! I’m literally begging for a little help, just a small miracle for some good soul to come along and do it for me. So much for “god helps those that help themselves.” No one can say I haven’t tried. I’ve fucking tried.
What kind of curse is this? I feel like I’m god damn immortal, and I hate it.