Question

October 13th, 2017by AnonRaigonis

I have just been through a few posts from a few people here.

Do people do that often here? Just flicker out?

I know where I am at. And asking this is like begging someone to say “Kid, you are in the wrong neighborhood”.

Just that, it has been 5 years. 5 years since I know how easy it was for people to just go. And it is still hard on me now.
Is it like that, everywhere?

 

and,… what does it feels like to be depressed.

I know this sounded dumb or fake or whatever. But, before I feel like this. I was at a state where I constantly felt cold, heart was throbbing most of the time, and it was painful. It just hurt. I don’t have much to live for. I didn’t really bothered thinking of family. And I constantly felt the need to just end. I cut myself, pardon my cowardness, it was nowhere deep enough. I tried drowning, choking, every time I came close to ending, there was always something, or someone pulling me back. Back then, I really just wanted to die.

There was someone who didn’t. Not a meaningless one at least.

So yea, for her sake. I lived on, trying to find that meaningful end.

Right now, I feel lost, and hollow. I could barely feel my heart anymore. I could barely feel anything. And I have gotten so good with faking laugh and smile, and lies, I don’t even know what I tell myself is true anymore. I can’t trust myself, I can’t look at myself in the mirror.

Right now, everything just seem empty. Like nothing mattered anymore. It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t make me feel joy, nothing does. Life is just being. And that is not life worth living.

I can distract myself with all these binge watching, and all these crap that I keep myself occupied with. But the more I do that, the more I feel lost. And yea, for those who are telling me to get professional help, where I come from that is not a thing, people avoid those jobs to begin with, let alone go to one. And the amount of time I spent listening to their professional advice, it made me even more, well, immune to life Bs.

So right now, I am at a state where I am just a burden to my family. I will probably go abroad to study soon, but I am not sure if I will help, or I will just be a load to carry. I am thinking of ending it soon. Before I am more of a burden financially. But I know how it can hurt to lose someone like this. And the lies I told, my mom is going to realize them all at that point. I know I won’t be there to see it, but it is not a thing I want to put her through. She had it rough throughout her life already

So I don’t know….

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