Reasons

Reasons to die now instead of waiting around.

If I do it this weekend no one will notice. No one is expecting me anywhere so I will have time to plan it carefully and take my time.

There won’t be many people that will miss me since I don’t have any friends, don’t have contact with my family and don’t have a relationship anymore. I have thought of a way where it won’t affect many people. I think it’s better to do it now, in a good way, then to wait until I do something stupid on a impulse.

I won’t have to become homeless. I have to leave my current home and have been searching for months but can’t find anything I can afford. That means I can do it in the private of my own home. I won’t have that in a month, which can mean I’ll have to look at other, more impactfull methods.

My ex took most stuff and I have sorted the things that are mine. So there won’t be much work when I’m gone. I have also already cleaned everything really well.

I won’t have to get help. I can’t live on like this but if I end it I won’t have to see a doctor, tell my story once again, do loads of talking and who knows what else. I’m also scared of being hospitalized if I do go to a doctor. I’ll basically lose controle if I do that and I don’t want that.

I won’t have to dig around in my past. The sexual abuse as a young child holds me from having healthy relationships (that and a load of other traumatic experiences). I have blocked it and wish I would never have to be confronted with it. I will if I stay alive.

I have never felt like I wanted to live. Still I have kept trying but I’m at a point where I haven’t much left. Which makes it the perfect moment.

I’m at a point where, if I live, there will have to change a lot. And I have no one there to support me. That’s what makes me scared of living.

Reasons not to die right now

Family. My mum and sister are mentally ill. We haven’t had contact for almost two years. I know that will be hard on them. My dad is an alcoholic homeless and hasn’t seen me since I was two. I don’t know if he’ll be informed but I can imaging it could be rough on him, having lost both his parents to suicide as wel. My uncle is a pedophile but I’m sure it will still have an impact. I’m not sure if I feel a responsiblity towards my family as they were the once that were supposed to protect me as a child but have hurt me instead. I don’t blame them as they all have their issues but I feel like it’s my right to escape the situation that they started. (That doesn’t count for my sister though)

My ex boyfriend. He has just lost his uncle. Our relationship hasn’t been easy on him either. I want to protect him from me. I have put him through enough. I know how hard it is for me to live with my trauma’s so I can only imagin how impossible living with me must have been. I don’t want to hurt him, I really don’t. But I know he is strong and will get over it. He has a lot of people that love him and will be there for him. Still the thought of him holds me back most even though I’m sure he doesn’t really care about me anymore.

My colleagues. They are lovely people. And I’m sure they will miss me as that’s only natural. But I don’t think I will ruin any lives.

The people that will find me. I will write them before I go so they’ll know what they’ll walk in on. But still I know it can be a shock.

Still a few days to make up my mind. Writing it down helps.