The End

  October 16th, 2017 by Blue65

First and foremost, I want to say I’m sorry, to anyone who happened to see me, and all those involved.
Friends and family, I never deserved your kindness.

The reason I ended up like this is simple, though obviously some will look much further into it.
I found I have an inferiority complex, and I have had it for quite some time. On top of that, I’m far too different. I’ve noticed, time and time again, even with the little things, I’ve always been the outsider.
I don’t belong anywhere, and the group I do belong with is too small to call myself “normal”. I routinely look down at myself, I gaze at mirrors constantly, always disappointed that nothing has changed. On top of looks, well, look at me.
The accident of January 22, 2015 was nothing than a retarded mistake, one that I am both ashamed and embarrassed of. It’s ridiculous to think I went through such lengths over somebody that didn’t, and never would, understand me.

I know these are cringy, edgy teen words, but I’ve taken lots of thought, tried many alternatives, and it’s how I feel. Frankly, it’s how I will always feel, no matter where I go.
This inferiority complex… it’s changed me. I’m not sure when it officially started, or why, but I wish it hadn’t. Obviously, I wish things were much simpler, and that I felt I could grow into somebody decent.

But really, the damage is done. Counselors, psych wards, naturally, they wouldn’t do anything to help me. I realized it wasn’t a problem of mine, but a problem of ME. The thoughts I have, the feelings I have, that’s me now, and no amount of help will be able to change that.
I’ve gone through countless cycles of self-hate, to a point where I think logically, think, “well, these are just MY thoughts, and I’m in control of them!” and remain okay for a short period.
Then shortly after that, I relapse, and said cycle repeats.

I’m tired of living like this. I’m tired of only knowing sadness, of knowing aches and pains, seeing everyone else live happily while I myself will never get to see any of it.
Because it’s not my problem.
It’s a problem of ME.

I talk too much, I’m too needy. I guilt trip and manipulate people like the selfish bastard I am, and I always catch myself in the act. I’m a disgrace to myself, and I hate that.
I notice all my flaws, I’m aware of them, but I can’t change them.
I’m too lazy. I make outlandish plans, but I never strive to achieve them. I’m not ambitious, but I dream for more. Every part of myself fights with another over the opposite thing, and I know that this self-destructive cycle will never end.
Not until I do something about it, and naturally, I choose to take the easy way out.

I don’t see any value in myself, nothing worth saving. I’m not smarter than anybody else on this Earth, and if I am, I’m too damned lazy to do anything with it.
I’m a coward, I run, make excuses for everything I don’t want to do. I feel I don’t deserve happiness, and after two years of this constantly, I know that truly will never be the case. Not anymore. I had my chance.

And in that, you truly see where my thoughts have been all this time. Where behind a screen, what I would think about. I used to hope about an afterlife, hope that I would wake up in it, instead of opening my eyes to another mundane day of pain and dread.
But now, I don’t care about an afterlife. I don’t care what awaits me, or what doesn’t.
I just want it to end already. I want to stop living, because this isn’t what I was promised life would be.

I’m sorry you all, I know you’ll feel terrible in my absence. I wish this wasn’t the case, as I don’t feel any guilt, any regret or sadness is necessary. This is my choice, and nobody would have stopped me from my goal. The one thing that’s kept me here for so long is the thought of hurting you all, what you might feel when I’m gone.
This thought has always stopped me, and this thought alone. Please, for the love of god, don’t blame yourselves. Don’t feel sad, I enjoyed every second I had with you all, but I’m sorry that it had to be with me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that great, happy son, brother, nephew or grandson.
I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on for you all, but I see that that’s the problem.
I need this, and I know that it’s selfish to do it all so quickly, but I’m a selfish person.
The way I always saw it, you shouldn’t feel sad about what happened, or what could have happened.
Just look at the times we shared, those few smiles we had, and look back on that, instead. Celebrate what we did, instead of how it ended.

Now for my last wish- don’t have a viewing. I don’t care about proper burials, I don’t want some somber ass funeral. I want to be cremated and thrown somewhere- hell, make a damn plant out of me, but don’t keep me in a grave anywhere. If you plan on having a funeral, I don’t care about all the religion crap. I don’t care about it being sad, or being slow, and I told you, if you truly enjoyed the time we had, enjoyed what little I had to offer, then CELEBRATE.
Celebrate me moving on, ridding myself of all this actual pain I’ve been going through- the damn perks of being tall.
Have a party, smile, celebrate that time and never look back.

But away from that, once again, I’m sorry you all. I genuinely still feel hesitant, if only to spare all of your feelings. If anything, that should show how much I care, because I’ve always felt uncomfortable saying the only three words that matter.
I love you.
And I love you all.
Keep living life, every single one of you, you all have much brighter futures to look forward to, don’t let me bring you all down- I’m not worth it.

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