To be frank, that is what I am, very, very, inconceivably tired. In all honesty, I just want it to end already. I am but two decades old and yet I feel a hundred and maybe a half! Every year my mind seems to age by four years! I’m so worn out with all the mental distress that I just want to scream.
On top of that, I feel trapped in a festering hole in life and nobody seems to want to point me in the right direction to try and find my way. Those who do are shoved out of the way by those I want to look up to and deemed as the “evil” ones that I am to avoid. It is so confusing! Then there is the lack of respect as most people seem to see me as stupid! I don’t know if this is my mind speaking or what is actually happening, but I am so paranoid of other’s motives that I can hardly trust a soul!
It is sad that I want to die so early on. I have so many stories I want to tell, so many things I want to see, so many things I want to do! All I can think of is my poor lover now. I don’t want to stay in this world any longer, but at the same time, I don’t want him to go through it alone without me to protect him.
God I feel like such a narcissist, speaking of myself so much…maybe they were right. Maybe I really am selfish for feeling this way. If that is the case, maybe I really am stupid and pathetic.
Then again, I also don’t want to die. They would get the last laugh at my funeral and would seek attention and try to paint themselves as the victims that were treated so cruelly by my death. I also don’t want to hurt those who I truly love. I’m trapped.
God…if I could just be rid of the confusion. I would be a hundred times happier than I am now. Maybe I would find a way.
Sorry to talk of my problems. I just need a place to vent anonymously to people who might understand.
Goodnight.
5 comments
I haven’t seen your user name before so welcome to SP if you are new here. The tired part would sure suck. I get what you are saying about leaving b/c of your pain but staying b/c someone needs you. When I was mid twenties I so wanted to die and yes that seemed sad to die with much life still yet to be lived. Your issues look like they could get some resolution or mitigation.
Thank you, I hope they do have a resolution. I’m sorry if I wasted any time…
I could have written your paragraph two about me. My therapist told me some paranoia comes with the territory. Sounded strange to hear that paranoia was a symptom to be expected. At least now I expect it and question it a bit.
lots of folks here hear and understand- I haven’t seen any judgments yet, just support!
Judgement here is very rare. Once in a while people get cross-threaded with each other but thankfully judgements are rare.