Right, in an ideal world I would’ve ended up in an ICU before returning to SP with a tale to tell. But nope, turns out this little freak never got round to it. I failed to kiss the front of a train.
I can tell how insignificant I am to my friends, a lot of them seem to be ignoring me and eventually I’m just going to be in the back of their minds. I only have 2 “friends” that live in my town, yet one of them has a full-time job and the other hardly wants to visit me.
I’m really out of it right now and this won’t sound like me much. In fact, this isn’t me at all. My personality seems dull, hazy… robotic. Yep, robotic. No more enthusiasm, happiness… oh that one post about the art course still remains true, yet right now it’s the Halloween Half-Term and I have no college to distract me from my turbulent thoughts.
Lately I’ve been teaching myself how not to cry, how to bottle up my emotions and only save it for the Internet, how I can survive just find without friends, lovers and being able to accept this reality so it doesn’t negatively impact me too much. It lessens the sting, you see. I know it isn’t healthy, but accepting this is the best way to cope right now.
I have always been too open with my feelings, biting off more than I can chew and being overly ambitious to the point it puts me in a not so nice situation. Everyone in my old school knew about those self-harm wounds. The depression. And the whole class saw my dad take me to hospital for an overnight stay while the bus drove past my dad’s car on the way to hospital, everyone waving at me, open mockery.
It seems like right now I don’t know who to trust anymore. Sure, this is only defeating my ability to make friends as lack of contact will only drive those very few friends I have away and someday I will snap out of this depressive funk and realise I’ve made one of the biggest mistakes ever and that nobody will want to hang out with me anymore so I shall be truly alone, really and truly alone, more alone than I have ever felt so far.
But my mind is too sick and tired. It wants to cower away and hide under the duvet with my laptop and play games all day. It makes me want to pretend the world surrounding me doesn’t exist, and right now that world doesn’t. Especially when college is off for a week and a half so there is nothing to take my mind off things. Least at college I get to spend 7-8 hours away from home, away from myself and my thoughts because I am needing to complete work to get a qualification otherwise my life is more meaningless than it is currently.
Remember that part I said about the ICU? Selfish, isn’t it.
I like these anonymous sites. Nobody knows me in the flesh so there’s no point getting caught up with my feelings. No need to worry about anyone leaving me, because new people appear all the time, so I’m never alone on this site.
Hope you all enjoyed reading my thoughts, there’ll be much more where that came from.
8 comments
You’re definitely not alone here-this is exactly what the site is for. I’d suggest transferring to a different program or school or stay one year behind to make new friends.
I’ve learned that sometimes when your relationship has been damaged, there’s no way to repair it and many people are shitty especially in groups so they won’t have the courage to be your friend if/when you’re shunned.
So really the best thing to do is to start fresh-if you could go to another college/univ that’d be best because no one knows you so you can make new friendships. Forget everyone else you know, there’s no going back with them.
I’ve found that I’m not as independent as I thought. There was a time I was cutting a lot of people out of my life but then I realized I cannot cope on my own-I did need some contacts to feel whole. So I became careful with who I allowed into my life and overall it worked really well. Though I think my pool of contacts should’ve been larger and over time I plan to add more people.
But getting back to you, if you have no choice then just complete your education and then when you’re in the working world you’ll make new friends there…you just have to struggle for a while until you do. Lastly you could always try hooking up with people you liked from your past, if that’s at all possible. I have a few backup friends I could always rely on if my current set didn’t work out. Best of luck.
correction: when your reputation has been damaged
Am I really that hard to understand??
Am I seriously that hard to understand??? Even when speaking in plain English nobody understands me.
Failed to kiss the front of the train. I know what feels like for me. It is awful. My mind is sick and tired too. Time alone fixes nothing and new locations and organizations soon saw the real deficiencies in me and soon my fresh starts soured.
Oh thank God someone understands. For some reason DMDD is just invisible. Just like I am to people in my everyday life. Misunderstood. Always misunderstood.
Who’d like to become acquaintances with me? We can both share our mutual taste of pain with one another. Get fired up over life, over people, over everything. Who wants to vent? I feel like a f*cking mess. I feel like slapping anyone who approaches me. I feel like headbutting the wall. I feel like screaming and crying. I feel like ditching my friends and being my own person. I feel like getting the Hell out of here.
I’m fed up with being alone. Being unimportant. Being used. Being ignored. Having people fall out of love with me after using me for so long. Being manipulated. Being forgotten. Come on, tell me someone out there knows what this feels like. Because by God I’d love to know you.
These two paragraphs really get it said. Hey would you consider making a post saying what you just said? A copy and paste would be awesome. The reason I suggest this is this post is five days old and only the most serious of lurkers might see this comment.
As for me:
Being unimportant – check
Being used – check
Love lost after being used – check
Being manipulated – damn right
My venting could be awful to read so I hesitate. No shortage of material though.