as things are

November 11th, 2017by freeroma

I have a friend at work who gives me rides when I need it.
With the colder weather, he still says he’s worried that if anything happens to me out there on my bike, I could get hypothermia.
I think the only thing that will ever happen to me out there is me.

That’s actually been a preferred method of mine.. and at this point..
It wouldn’t be difficult. And I think that’s why I crashed so hard the other night, yesterday. Haven’t fell that hard in ages, I think. Never quite like that.
Living is hard.

Days take forever, this morning feels like yesterday, a few days feels like a week and I’m awake too long.

The reason I’m not coordinated is because I’m not at home in my meatsuit. I keep getting these flashes were I’m more detached..
And I’m having trouble keeping together.

Like everything else in my life, nothing is constant. Still good things, brightsides.
But I keep getting hit with the ways I’m not well. Not functional, not ok.
I certainly wouldn’t last in a normal environment. I barely last where I do now. Keep begging some invisible thing, for what I don’t even know. Just another thing that bursts out, even if I can keep it quiet.. like I keep saying sorry.
I keep losing it and I’m not in control. I don’t know what helps, nothing is certain.

No idea what I’m doing. But I guess that’s something that hasn’t changed much.
I’ve always used self injury as a way to make other things stop. Stop hurting, stop overwhelming me.. haven’t done anything to cause scars in ages but I still harm myself.
I think I’ll eventually use suicide the same way. To make things stop.
I don’t want this anymore. I haven’t, really.

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