A Final Decision

So it’s been 2-3 years since I started posting on this forum and I’m beginning to piece together things from the past. When I left the call centre 2-3 years ago I received a lot of government funding and was living comfortably and happy, much to the dismay of others who were having to go to work. I was labelled a thief and looking back on it now many people were conspiring to bring about my death. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Phobia and I took out my frustration and hatred online and to those around me. It’s becoming apparent to me that all of my internet activity was being monitored or reviewed, how people started turning against me in response to the comments I was making online etc. Back then I viewed a lot of BestGore, Twisted Porn, Schoolgirls etc and im remembering how people started responding to those things and the only way they could’ve done so was if my activity was being monitored. For instance, when I checked images of UK schoolgirls my landlord stopped inviting his granddaughter to visit as if I was a fully fledged pedophile. Also in my anger, I wrote a message to cancer research and I said “I wish someone would give me cancer”. Not so long later I ordered a drug from the darknet from a British supplier and 2-3 days later someone delivered it unstamped, but it wasn’t heroin it was some other chemical. When I smoked it, my lungs tightened up and I could not breathe, and as my aunt rushed me to the hospital my consciousness was fading and I shouting for help because I knew I was dying. From that moment and thereafter I’ve been becoming more and more sick and the doctors only do an ECG/bloods and send me back home. I believe it could’ve been the UK government or the security services (since they were monitoring everything up to this time) that were trying to kill me off. Looking back on it I know it’s very possible, because even when I went across the water to England etc there were people saying “there he is” and pointing me out when I had never been there before or met them in my life. I don’t know whether they labelled me as a terrorist because I had ordered a lot of things that were dangerous… a baseball bat, chloroform, a safe, a knife, and then I had ordered this class A drug (heroin) while I was in this accommodation provided by the ex-policeman. Did they consider heroin as a threat to others lives? Or were they corrupt in killing me off just to save money? I know nobody will believe me on this but all of what I’ve said is true and I’ll never be able to prove it, since the hospital doesn’t carry out proper tests and any sort of theory involving government murder in the UK/USA is automatically a conspiracy, but this was a professional hit on my life that took me from being able to climb mountains and run marathons, to barely being able to make it up the stairs. It’s no secret now that the UK police have the ability to monitor everything you say and do online and probably watch you through your mobile phone. Even if this is true and these people worked together to kill me.. what now? Do I just wait until I die? Should I work at finding out who did this to me? Or is suicide the best and only option I have left?