I think I’m going to revisit the “accidental” death.
It’s A. The only way to dodge the black eye stigma of suicide, and yes that does get to me. I wish it didn’t but it does. And B. It might save my mother from a similar fate due to bereaverment. Seriously, my Suicide, I feel like it would kill her. And we’re not even that close or nothing.
Thoughts?
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Why does the stigma of suicide bother you? I’m just curious. I never thought about that. I figured that I’d be dead so it wouldn’t bother me.
Hard to say exactly. I can concede that I’m a bit of a people pleaser and with that there’s an impression I try to leave. Even if fake. Fake it til you make it, right? Idk, just rambling now but to the best of my knowledge my above statement is true.
So between that and the (abstract) conversations I’ve had on the subject I’d rather not be spoken of in that context.
I also confess how there’s no tangible reason for me to be here. Just misery. So if I step outside myself for a moment I guess it’s hard for me to swallow my own desires for death.
Of course it’s also possible that me trying to be someone I’m not is causing my misery, but if I take that away, who I think I should be, then all that’s left is my punk ass on the couch or on bed. At least that’s who I am right now.
So thanks for the question ( I think). It allowed me to do some soul searching – not that I think it led anywhere…
I bet a lot of people feel as you do. My state used to have almost daily car “accidents” in which the sole occupant died after “loosing control” and this almost always in good weather. I use the quotes because I have driven perhaps 600,000 + miles and have lost control just once on dry pavement and I was a brand new teen driver at the time. BTW, nothing much came of it. The “victims” in the news reports were usually in their sixties, about where suicides peak out. Oh well, I am speculating and rambling.
Auto accidents r tough. I not only don’t usually wear a seatbelt but no motorcycle gear either. The thought being if I go down I won’t get up. But that failed, and the associated injuries b/c I wasn’t wearing gear is costing me a considerable amount of money (flight of life). So I fear a car accident might have a similar result
the stigma hasn’t concerned much as well
they will think what they will. if you care what they think that much, then maybe you should stick around…?
“Let them think what they liked, but I didn’t mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank — but that’s not the same thing.”
– Joseph Conrad
I know exactly how you feel. That’s part of what’s preventing me to do it. i just think well maybe if I leave a good enough note – for my family telling them that I love them and that I’m grateful for the life I had and that I had to leave and I’m sorry but I want them to get past grief and stuff I don’t know it’s hard. For the stigma, yea it’s not appealing to be remembered as the depressed fucker that killed themselves. But who gives a shit anyway? It’s your life, and will you really care after you’re gone? But maybe this is good that you’re contemplating the consequences, maybe you can move past this. I hope you find something to live for or something to die for. Preferably live for, but if you’re already lost than go with a reason and a smile on your face.
I’m sorry can you explain what black eye stigma means?