If I had to place a finger, or a name on what I’ve been feeling like for most of my life. It would be that I feel like an observer of life, while everyone else are participants. I’ve never understood people. I get along with people just fine, I have friends, a girlfriend and a loving family. But I feel like I have to fake it, I have to fake being interested, I have to fake caring and I have to fake who I am. I have no desires, I have no true interests, the only things I pretend to be interested in are things people around me are interested in. I envy people who are ‘into life’ and can enjoy its simplicities such as going to the movies or playing sports ect.
Does anyone else feel like they have always not been a part of life, rather they’re just watching it? I know for me at least, that this feeling doesn’t come from lack of social acceptance or anything like that, I’ve never felt socially unaccepted and have always had friends. I have people tell me that they’re very close with me. But I still feel distant, I feel like Im just playing along for their sake , kind of a “what ever makes you happy” type of attitude. In my suicide note, I plan on trying to express this feeling, without making the people in my life feel like they didn’t matter to me. It’s proving to be quite tricky. I have tried doing research on this feeling, but have had no luck. Do any of you know if this feeling has a name or anything like that?
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I think they call it skating away on the thin ice of a new day. At least, that’s what Ian Anderson called it. I call it Wednesday. Tomorrow, I’ll probably call it something else.
I like it!
It always seemed to me like other people have this magic in their brains that inspires them to want this or that or feel this or that way. I just have no such fairy dust in my mind. It’s just looking at what’s in front of me. there is no wanting or yearning. I;d just like to stop being alive because there isn’t any strong reason to wait several more decades to watch other people effortlessly emote and engage socially and emotionally with life while i sit in the back wondering how it’s all done.
I honestly think you wrote out the way i feel better than I myself did. my thoughts exactly, I’ve always wondered how ‘they ‘ just do it
I don’t want to dismiss the possibility of your mind working very differently to other people’s. But I think the engagement you speak of is key. If you’re always a spectator, you’re never going to improve as a player. I don’t think people are always self-propelled. Do you remember your parents making you try new foods when you were a kid? My parents always wanted me to try this vegetable or that vegetable, and I wasn’t really keen on it at all. But I caved, and I tried, and these days I don’t even think twice about eating a wide variety of foods, some of which give e great pleasure. I heard someone say something to the effect of “desire comes after a hundred days’ toil”. Maybe you have yet to discover what will animate you.
To make it more concrete, I hate my current job. It sucks big time. But I know I like other things. Years ago, I also felt like nothing interested me, everything was bleak. And I still feel that way at work sometimes. But that is because my job does not excite me, and so when I’m at work, my mind goes into this mode of extreme boredom and lack of motivation. My feelings run the show, and most of my thoughts turn to the pointlessness of life. Whereas if I’m doing something that has personal value to me, that makes me more hopeful.
Definitely some good thoughts in your writing! I feel I get what your saying. Although, when I talk about being a spectator I don’t necessarily mean literally. I do participate and I am always into trying something new. I just can’t seem to buy into anything. Not necessarily just hobbies, activities, work ect. But rather I seem unamused with myself down to the very core. Since I am something that will be with everything I do, this is very problematic. It’s frustrating because if someone said I could have anything I want in life, my greatest desires, I wouldn’t know what id say, it seems the only way for me to find joy in life is to get rid of ‘me’ which isn’t possible. I realize I may not be making much sense
Or you on meds? People on meds often are like this.
surprisingly not, it feels like it though. I tried prescription for vyvanse last month, didn’t change the way i thought/felt. it just made me feel euphoric, not even necessarily more focused
I have lived my life like this to the point that its entirety has merged into an unidentifiable blur.
Totally! I cant distinguish what was 6 months ago and what was 3 years ago, I look at pictures of myself from the past and feel no connection to them, even if the picture is only 2 months old.
Me too. It was like everything just left me one day.
Unfortunate, maybe if it left it has hope of coming back. I can’t seem to remember it ever being there.
Yes, unfortunate. I know it was there at some point, I didn’t come out of the womb like this. Good luck to you though.
^ could be the “mandela effect”
Tell me more about this mandela effect
there’s a theory that multiple universes existence, and these universes are colliding with ourselves, thus, changing our timeline. that’s why so many of us remember the same things, yet differently. for example, growing up, i remember “Chik-Fil-A”. not “Chick-Fil-A”. that i know. i can picture it clear as day too. we had one in our local mall when i was a child, and my mom used to get me and my brother food there whenever we visited.
It’s always been Chik-Fil-A
Now I wanna eat a Chik-Fil-A sandwich lol
not anymore. look it up.
Yeah, the Mandela affect is trippy to think about. But honestly, sometimes thinking about the universe, multi-versus ect makes me more at peace with ending my life. Makes me feel like everything is infinite, and that really, nothing matters. Which can be taken negatively or positively
Isn’t that somewhat scary, memories can’t be changed. (In regards to the mandela effect)
according to the theory, it’s not our memory being changed, but somehow, our realities are being manipulated in a sense. we could all be aware of a particular event, but remember it differently. according the theory, this is because some of us are from different universes, the “Mandela effect” is the result of them merging. the theory is confusing as all hell, and i don’t even like to talk about it, because it makes no sense. but i see it as something worth looking into, as i am realizing more and more just how bizarre this existence really is. but it’s funny how we say it’s “bizarre” yet this is all we know, we can’t compare it to any other world or existence. -_- maybe i do think too much…
i’ve been drinking lately. nothing heavy, just wine. unsure if it’s helping or not, but i sense i need something to slow down my mind. all i do is think.
It’s like a rabbit hole that always leaves you with the same feeling of ‘who the fuck knows’. The only reason I keep trying to conceptualize all these non factual theories, is to give myself courage to leave.
right, well i’m nearly convinced that there this something after this. i think our spiritual selfs is our true form, and what we are experiencing now is really just a test. so in truth, there’s a reason why we’re here, but it’s not for worldy affairs. it’s something much larger than that. we’re being distracted with intent, so we don’t “wake up” to the truth.
i’ve read testimonies of those that claimed to have attempted suicide, died, and were somehow saved. i can connect to it in a way, even though i’ve never died. it just makes sense to me. but yes, i see what you mean about the “who the f. knows” but, i’ve been connecting the dots, and so far, i can’t say that i’m wrong.
That’s fair, the only ‘problem’ I have with the bigger picture, is that any purpose/progress our spiritual beings make, can only be made through memories (like remembering what we learned from the ‘test’). But memory loss can clearly be seen in people, so if getting concussed for example can cause you to forget things you’ve learned. To me, it makes sense that death would make you forget everything. I think of consciousness as a signal that will pass through anything that can process it, ie, the human brain. And when that brain dies, the signal just continues on until it reaches the next receiver, not bringing anything that the brain downloaded with it.
I have felt the observer effect all my life. It’s like you’re this person watching life happen on TV, all the other people are actors reciting lines. But you’re not with them, you’re trapped outside the box, a lone audience watching silently as the stories of others unfold unable to interact. They don’t even know you exist.
Sometimes I feel that any intimacy I feel with others is in my imagination, that I don’t even exist to them. I feel like I’m one of those housewives obsessed with a soap opera, believing that my TV friends listen back. I feel so passive in life, like I am unable to step inside the TV and become part of their world.