Being an observer of life, rather than a participant?

November 29th, 2017by whatshouldmynamebe

If I had to place a finger, or a name on what I’ve been feeling like for most of my life. It would be that I feel like an observer of life, while everyone else are participants. I’ve never understood people. I get along with people just fine, I have friends, a girlfriend and a loving family. But I feel like I have to fake it, I have to fake being interested, I have to fake caring and I have to fake who I am. I have no desires, I have no true interests, the only things I pretend to be interested in are things people around me are interested in. I envy people who are ‘into life’ and can enjoy its simplicities such as going to the movies or playing sports ect.

 

Does anyone else feel like they have always not been a part of life, rather they’re just watching it? I know for me at least, that this feeling doesn’t come from lack of social acceptance or anything like that, I’ve never felt socially unaccepted and have always had friends. I have people tell me that they’re very close with me. But I still feel distant, I feel like Im just playing along for their sake , kind of a “what ever makes you happy” type of attitude. In my suicide note, I plan on trying to express this feeling, without making the people in my life feel like they didn’t matter to me. It’s proving to be quite tricky. I have tried doing research on this feeling, but have had no luck. Do any of you know if this feeling has a name or anything like that?

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