So, um hi. I’m not sure how to start off a post like this one, but here I go.
I’ve been having a really tough time with… everything. I have really bad anxiety in general, especially social anxiety though, and it makes it really hard to function in day to day life. I’m only 14, so I don’t have much choice in my doctor visits, medication etc. However, I went to the doctor about a week ago for a regular check and they recommended me a counselor, but I feel extremely uncomfortable talking to a stranger about my problems. I don’t even talk to my friends about it really. I know it’s really bad of me but only one of them knows even a little bit about anxiety and depression and all of them are quite gossipy. I want to hang out with others, but by 8th grade, everyone is already in their set friend groups and it’s extremely difficult to do anything about it. Anyhow, my mom said I don’t have anxiety and that I don’t need a counselor. I have about 2-3 panic attacks a week and normally cry each evening. I don’t tell my mom anything because she will just tell everybody else, especially my family. I just want her to know but that can’t happen so I don’t tell her anything. She is also extremely religious along with everyone in my area, but I am not. I’m really tired of having to go to church every Sunday and act every single day while it is being shoved down my throat because in my area if you aren’t Christian, you are a bad person and people will whisper about you like “Oh my gosh, she is an atheist?” Also back to the anxiety, just walking down the hallway makes me nervous. Yesterday, I was the first to read a story I had written during class. I was already on the verge of a panic attack, and going first didn’t help at all. I was about to cry, but I had to read. Since it is close to Halloween, it was a spooky story and my teacher turned the lights off and handed me a flashlight. It’s fine right, just reading a story. Not for me. I didn’t realize, but people told me I was shaking. I really don’t like speaking in front of people and just standing in front of people during school assemblies has cause panic attacks. For example, our football team was about to go to state or something(idk i know nothing about football) so we had a pep assembly including activities. I was chosen and I didn’t get a chance to ask to be taken out. Right before the event, I had a panic attack and my friend screamed, “She’s about to cry!” It made it worse and the point is, I’m really tired of being nervous all the time. Of having religious stuff shoved down my throat every day and if I even make a comment about it to my mom, she will say something like “I’m worried about you” or “I’m disappointed in you.” The thing is, she isn’t worried about me, so much as my connection with this famous invisible entity in the sky. If she was actually concerned, when she caught me crying one time she wouldn’t just say “Suck it up” and walk away. I’m also tired of being a disappointment. I work my hardest and get straight A’s, but it still isn’t good enough? I’m in student council, Beta Club, Quiz bowl, yearbook, National Jr. Fairboard, and I work hard, but our teachers always just look at our class and says how we aren’t good enough and underachievers. My mom says stuff like that too. I just wanna go one day without a disappointed stare or comment. I’m relatively nice. I’m definitely sarcastic, but its mostly just jokes and puns. I just wanna be good enough for once. I always seem to screw up on the one important part and suddenly nothing else matters, just the one mistake. It’s funny how nobody remembers what good people do, only the mistakes they make. I do college prep and everything, but I still don’t get the opportunities that can boost me a bunch. My community is so biased and set in its ways. The rich and popular get the opportunities and the people who might not be at good at everything aren’t given the support they need. Instead left to rot and fend for themselves. I’m not that popular but I’m smart enough. I get a 4.0 and now higher with CP but I still don’t get the same opportunities as those with money and friends and in lower classes, who don’t try that hard and are just given it because people like them. Well sorry, I’m not that good at talking to people. Another thing is my mom is a recovering alcoholic. She has been clean for almost 3 years, but she is close to drinking again. I’m terrified she will relapse again because I remember what it was like when she did drink. I never knew what version of her would come home. Whether it was safe to get in the car and let her drive or not. I was about 7 when I realized the problem. I never realized that how she acted wasn’t normal. That the smell on her breath shouldn’t be there. I guess I just too naive to figure out what was going on, to notice. Nobody told me her drinking problem. Didn’t wanna mess with my childhood I guess. By the time I turned 9, it was worse than ever. I remember one time she walked into my daycare to pick me up and the teacher took her aside and my grandpa had to come pick me up. My mom and I fought tooth and nail with each other every day. It was never a good idea to get us into a room together. But it is just me and her, so how can it be helped? One time on the way to dance, it was 9 am on a Saturday during the winter. We were driving on a back road and it was slick with ice. We recked. I was later told my mom was drinking. I still don’t think so because I didn’t smell it on her breath and it was 9 am, early for her to start drinking. I still don’t know. I was still rather naive about her drinking at the time and didn’t know to look for it when I was with her. That wasn’t the first time I was in a car accident with her. I remember being terrified to get in the car, scared of what I’ll see. Empty Budlight cans littering the floor and her being annoyed and irritated and drunk. Or her being her rare sober self and it being a quiet evening. Also during this time, our daycare classes after school split me and my friends into a different class. They were all together, and I was alone with a bunch of kids I didn’t know very well. I have never been very good at communicating so this was a nightmare for me. I had no one to talk to and it got to the point where my friends stopped talking to me. I was stuck alone with my mom and not really anyone to help. One time, my grandpa picked me up from daycare and took me home. He said my mom was staying with some friends and should be back tomorrow, but she didn’t come back. I didn’t see her for four days and nobody would tell me anything. I didn’t even know if she was still alive. My friends knew but instead of telling me they just held it over my head. I later found out my mom had been admitted to rehab and I would be able to see her once a month and until then I would stay with my grandpa. She was stuck in that program for about a year, and about 2 months in, I was allowed to see her on the weekends. It was hell. None of my friends were really talking to me and all I had was my grandpa who was hard of hearing and is rather quiet. She is on the verge of drinking again and if something similar happens again, I’m not sure I can handle it. I can barely handle day to day life, let alone that. I just try to avoid my mom and not talk to her much, so I won’t bother her or cause her to start drinking again.
The point of that whole rant was I’m really tired of faking it every day. I don’t wanna try my hardest and get my hopes up just to get disappointed looks and my hopes crushed. I try to put a wall up between me and my feelings, but my anxiety creeps in everytime and the walls cracks and everything floods through. I stay up till midnight every night doing homework and if I happen to have finished earlier that night, I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. I wanna just give up, like what is the point of doing the homework, but I’m scared to let my grades slip. I try to act how people expect me and its been working so far I guess. I wanna go to a counselor something just to make this constant feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion to stop. I’ve been seriously debating suicide. I was doing “suicide research” when I discovered this website. From what I researched I was thinking Tylenol and Aleve because they are easy to get and take it over the course of a couple of hours. I’ve read liver failure is one of the most painful ways to die, and I’m to chicken. People say it will get better and it will but I don’t know how to get the help I need without letting my mom know. Thing is I can’t really get help because we don’t have health care right now because we can’t afford it and the one friend I told offered to let her mom help but with medical stuff, my mom would have to know and then everyone would also know. She can’t keep a secret to save her life. If I do try and survive, I don’t want everyone looking at me and knowing that I tried to take my life. Of facing the judgment. Any advice if you got through that mess of words? It would be really appreciated.