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Here we go again…

by beautifulsinner

here we go again… after making so much progress and learning so much about myself as an individual.. im somehow back again. im on a path of self destruction, and oh how good it feels to be able to destroy myself on my own terms.

im pretty damn sure im bipolar. Well over a year ago i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but things have been changing.. and well for the worse. i wouldn’t say im suicidal exactly, but im on this path of self destruction where i just dont give a fuck. im putting myself in dangerous situations and i think its funny because theres this chance that they could kill me, but they dont. i dont necessarily want to kill myself again quite yet, but if i were to die, i wouldnt object. its like tempting fate if you will. i like to tempt fate, and im just waiting for that one day, i dont get so *lucky* and i end up dead.

but until then, im just here, chilling, doing whatever the fuck i want because i dont care. im failing one of my classes in school, im drinking excessively, ive gone off my meds, im doing dumb shit i would have never even thought of doing before. im in this downward spiral again, fucking my life up as we know it, but the difference is, this time i dont care enough to stop it. im losing touch with reality and with my own self it makes me laugh, it does.

im crazy and i know it, but this time i might as well embrace it since it sure as hell isnt going away

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a1957 11/22/2017 - 6:19 pm

Depression at this level really really sucks. To be bipolar sucks too. If you want I can share what I do to modulate and mitigate much of this shit. No cures to be sure but I can at least manage.

Being able to destroy ones self on their own terms seems like a fine notion when my time, that is MY time comes. I certainly would not want the standard American old age death. You know: suffer, get weak, suffer more, get weaker, then “fight” for my life as I die.
Even though I am not actively suicidal at the moment, I can remember back to doing some very risky stuff too, like driving 100+ in fog on a deserted country road at about midnight. Thank God no one got in my path. I do not recommend super high speed driving, though I have done my share of it, if it might nail somebody else.

beautifulsinner 11/22/2017 - 11:04 pm

what do you do to cope?

a1957 11/22/2017 - 11:27 pm

I just saw question pop up. Just a quick overview. Three supplements daily: a bioavailable folate, fish oil (for it’s EPA), St Johns Wort. A 10,000 LUX lamp used from September thru February. Three essential oils: frankincense, lavender, lemon. One drop each several times a day in a diffuser. Walk between 15 to 30 minutes a day, and greet a few strangers warmly each time I do. None of this a cure so each is done daily. If I slack it all starts coming right back. I see a therapist (absolutely no psychologists) once a week. I can fill in more details and whys but that is the big picture.

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