No matter what I do I end up in the same boat. Being alone in my room staring at the wall contemplating ways to slip away into the afterlife and who if anyone at all would care. Some nights I imagine doing it and just hoping that everyone whose ever known me realizes how much they’ve taken my company for granted. Other nights, the exact opposite. I imagine doing so and hopefully no one caring at all. It all started when what feels like the one and only love of my life decided it be best we split ways my junior year. Ever since I look at all the downsides in life. Everything I’ve done to suppress the feeling ends up in utter failure. I hanged out with my friends but I was the one buying everything. I dropped my weight from 290 to 200 just to start slowly gaining it all back, running kept me occupied but then I realized I was alone and I would look at the trees and imagine how awesome it’d be if some sci-fi creature came out and killed me or some psychopath comes out to chase me and we both trade deadly blows. I stopped running. I play Xbox with my online friends and even then we can’t play all the time and as soon as their gone the feeling comes back again to just die. I try to play my once beloved series mass effect and I slowly built a relationship with one of the character, I got attached and the game ended. The thought of loneliness came back. I watch stranger things and as I go on I look forward to the bond between mike and eleven and it makes me realize how alone I am. Then the season ends and I have nothing to watch so the depression swoops over me again, I imagine making a lot of money and how I could make myself happy if I had bands of cash. Who would I share my luxury with and who am I to think such a blessing would happen. Everything I do ends in utter failure and no matter what I end up being alone which I feel is not the best suite for me at the moment but there’s no none I have the courage to tell. My sister being kind of enough to let me stay at her place, my coworkers, my “friends”. Every time I see them I put the biggest smile on my face and nobody has ever gotten the slightest clue of how depressed I am. I stare at myself in the mirror for hours when I’m alone just telling myself to do it. I want someone to barge in to say everything is okay and that they are there for me. But my persona that I’ve built around everyone won’t let me do it. I can’t, my self pride keeps me from coming forward to anyone. I desperately want to find love but am too scarred to seek it. The depression has won the battle and will soon with the war over my body. It’s been 2 and a half years non-stop with no escape. It’s like running in circles that are all connected to each other. I find my way around the depression just to be confronted by it in a different form with the same intentions. Today I stared at my brother in laws gun cabinet which is something I’ve held my self against doing. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone in the process of me killing myself but my depression has tainted my mind with a feeling of vengeance. As if I need to show people how they’ve pushed me to finally do it. A graduate with big dreams whose been pushed slowly off a cliff by everyone he knows and they didn’t know it themselves.
3 comments
Hello, I haven’t been on here in years and I just wanted to say that if you would like a friend to talk to feel free to message me on kik (same as it is on here) (:
This persona we build for people around us certainly is one of the biggest traps we set up for ourselves. No one realizes when I’m sad too, I don’t want them to. And then when I really need to talk to someone about how I feel or about my problems I feel it’s easier to talk to strangers in the Internet than to friends. Strangers don’t have any opinion about me, don’t have any expectation towards me, and they also have less elements that enable them to judge me. As long as the stranger remains a stranger, there is no persona in the way, there are no need for masks.
To some extent this is caused by my pride indeed… My pride is too strong for my own good. Many times when I was to fall apart, it was pride that kept me together — the last bastion of defense before resorting to hope. Pride and hope keeps me going.
In my case it’s not only pride that feeds that persona. I also don’t like being a source of problems for people, actually I want to be the one they can rely upon when they need, and they would not want to bother me with their problems if they knew I already had so much trouble dealing with mines, they wouldn’t feel I would be able to do something to help them.
Once in a while one of these virtual strangers from the Internet stops being a stranger and becomes an actual friend. It happened to me more than once, and some of the best friends I had I met this way. Having a friend with whom you can talk to without a mask is awesome.
Anyway, I have resorted to games (more specifically World of Warcraft) and series too. I found out that they just make things worser. Even though I was able to make some friends inside the game, for example, it’s like you said, the bad feelings all come back once they’re gone. These things are good distractions when used in small doses, when you have too much in your head, and that’s all. Too much of it and you are just sitting down doing nothing while the world is moving and leaving you more and more behind. I like to think of games and movies like this: the characters on them need a source of energy to get better and to advance their stories, and this source of energy is you, is your life; the more they get better and develop their stories, the more it is taken from you.
There is no other way: we have to face reality otherwise things will only get worse, and there is no end to it, things can always get worse than they are — always.
And if you’d rather kill yourself than destroying the persona you created for the people around you — pride is a fucking double-edged sword after all! — you should consider restarting your life somewhere else, far from the place where you are a slave to that persona. It sounds crazy, right? But hey, weren’t you going to kill yourself anyway? Why not?
I feel ya, man. What games you play online? I’d play with you.