I’m not asking you for any methods to be clear, I already know my method and as it is against the rules i will obviously not share this.
My problem is I have no room to play around, I’m not trying to make a suicidal gesture, I want to be dead on the first try but I can’t cope with the massive fear coming along with it. I am not depressed and I’ve tried to resolve my problems, I’ve talked to family and counselors, none of which helped because I’m in a truly unsolvable situation. I don’t want to die but I have to which makes the whole thing extremely difficult. I don’t know how to overcome my emotional instincts that try to keep me alive. Does anyone know help or at least some other place where I could find help for this? I’ve tried alcohol but most of the time it has the opposite effect, it just makes me think I will do it another time and go to sleep first lol.
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You could start by telling us why you “have to” die?
As I said I’m not here to share stories, I’m here to solve problems.
Good luck
Well yeah I thought it’s just like any other forum. Probably made by some religious bigot who wants to pat himself on the back for “saving” people.
Whatever
What is it about death that you fear? You were dead for millions of years before you were born, do you have any negative emotions associated with that period of your non existence?
That is speculation, no one knows if this life is the only one we have. Though that’s a risk I’m willing to take. What scares me is rather the process of dying, specially I don’t really have access to the “cleaner” methods. Also if people weren’t scared of death we’d be extinct, so don’t blame me for this unless you yourself wouldn’t blink an eye will dying like a pig.
I actually know how to do it, but why would I want you on my conscience?
How am I supposed to answer this question for you, I have no clue of your “morals”. From my perspective you’d have nothing on your conscience as you just helped a fellow man, if your set of values is different though what can I do?
No one’s blaming anyone.
You’re gonna die one day just like every other living organism on this planet. It’s inevitable. Why fear the inevitable? That’s like fearing the changing of the seasons. It’s gonna happen regardless of whether you like it or not.
Speculation is believing in what may or may not happen with little to no credible evidence to support the theory proposed.
You’re right, no one knows what happens next. But why assume it’s something bad? If there’s no credible evidence to support that theory, then isn’t believing in something that can’t be proven something that brainwashed people do?
Do you owe someone money or something?
Morris yes sorry I might come off as a bit of a ****. I’m stressed. You are rationally correct what you’re saying. Although my conclusion is I simply don’t know, full stop. It could be anything or absolutely nothing. It remains kind of a gamble but what I know for sure I’m not willing to live this life any longer as there is absolutely no positive outcome for me in sight. So yes I’m willing to gamble and gambling always involved risks, naturally I’m kind of scared.
But my main issue is not “rationality”, it’s emotion. If you’re dying due to natural causes it’s something you have no control over. I do have control over whether I commit suicide or not and that’s the part that is scary. Also again the physical pain kind of keeps me in check which is my main concern because this should be easily managable with certain chemicals.
No money, no crime involved, just an unsolvable personal situation that is not temporary. I’ve tried everything that is the realms of my possibilities, finances are very limited to non existent as well.
Reason I am curious is that literally EVERY single suicidal person I have ever spoken to has been adamant that their situation was unsolvable. Including me. Maybe they were right? What do I know? But often it just turns out to be someone who can’t see a way out and they don’t realise they’re not supposed to go it alone.
But fair enough if you wanna keep it private. I’m not gonna help you kill yourself anyway. Sorry.
Your choice but why then sit on such a forum? To gloat? To “help” a.k.a anti suicide rhetoric? Why tell me you’d know a way then? Enjoying the suffering of others? I’m not insulting you but this kind of stuff actually makes me curious because I don’t get it. It’s a phenomenon I see everywhere, on these forums, in counseling etc. I think people enjoy having power over suicidal people, over life and death. Another good reason why this planet is a waste. No offense, we’re all beasts in our own ways but just curious lol
I’m bored, have been suicidal on and off for a decade. I’m lonely. This is one of the few places you can talk about stuff like this without people throwing a fit.
As to why I’m not helping you, a) I don’t want to. I’m not in the business of helping people kill themselves. Suicide is rarely clear-cut. There is such a thing as “not thinking clearly”. Suicide is saying you’ve seen enough and want out, and I respect that, but no one knows the future.
It’s also funny to me that you have an expectation that others should want to help you kill yourself. b) It is against site policy. c) It could land them in legal trouble. d) It’s an ethical gray area to put it mildly. But I know what you mean. Occasionally (at least in the past), someone would post a happy clappy post about how we should all just find Jesus etc. You want HELP. You want real help, not pretend help, feigned interest, stuff that doesn’t work.
I suppose I do somewhat enjoy the fact that I’ve found out how to reliably overcome the fear of death, partly because it makes it a bit comical to witness people here talk big about how their setting a date and goodbye etc. and then they keep doing it again and again and again. And I can relate. Back when I was on meds I would keep proclaiming how I didn’t want to live another day and this was it and so on.
These days I just see it as: I am in doubt. I don’t know whether I want to live. If it gets bad enough, I might do something. But let’s wait and see. And I’m gonna try not to make more of a fool of myself than I have already by telling everyone else about my resolve when deep down, it just isn’t there.
“I suppose I do somewhat enjoy the fact that I’ve found out how to reliably overcome the fear of death, partly because it makes it a bit comical to witness people here talk big about how their setting a date and goodbye etc. and then they keep doing it again and again and again. And I can relate. Back when I was on meds I would keep proclaiming how I didn’t want to live another day and this was it and so on.”
So it is about power which kind of makes this statement; ” d) It’s an ethical gray area to put it mildly.” kind of pretextual, specially considering you know what a suicidal mind goes through. Unless you could explain to me what’s ethical about watching people suffering. It’s like when someone had the cure to cancer but wouldn’t give it to a patient because we shouldn’t interfere with nature and cancer is natural or some shit.
Can’t change your mind but do know I kind of enjoy taking people’s fallacies apart lmao
Lol maybe I should tell you and there’d be one less hostile dick.
Ha you kind of made me laugh, i like your attitude.
Your cancer allegory works, provided the cure for cancer was euthanasia. I would still call that a gray area, to put it mildly, and the fact that you can’t see that, or put yourself in other people’s shoes just shows how bad you feel. I don’t enjoy suffering. I enjoy drama queens. Not that I put you in that category.
But good try guilt-tripping me over not helping you kill yourself. Why don’t you move to the Philippines and acquire a nice drug habit? Their psycho president will put you down in no time flat. And whatever family you’re staying with.
That is something. Like many people here, you don’t lack the smarts.
No money for drugs, and even if I had it, addiction only extents suffering as it provides temporary relief but at the end of the day your in the same shit or even worse.
Secondly I don’t want to bring “innocent” people into this… Well my raging mind would love to but it’s a line I’ve drawn, a principle. I do understand that obviously asking you to help me kill myself could cross that line but I’m certain there are people out there who are in such bad situations (or sociopaths, but if it works, it works eh) they wouldn’t care either, so no harm, no crime. I personally would indeed help someone take their own life without having a single moment of bad consciousness, because to me it is not immoral at all to end suffering.
Do you honestly feel I’m doing wrong and this was an attempt at “guilt tripping” you? Maybe I can’t judge this correctly but as I said in my mind it’s not what I would consider ethically wrong. Explain your view on this if you don’t mind.
Nah, I just saw it as deep frustration/desperation at your predicament and a feeling that everyone is just watching you squirm. I certainly don’t intend to prolong your suffering. I just knew people who killed themselves, and I’m not sure of what I think about it. Regardless, I wouldn’t have helped you anyway, just because it goes against my values and I guess I do believe people can often be helped. I know a lot of people on this site will talk about personal freedom, bodily autonomy etc., and claim that they are the #1 authority on their suffering. True. I know, ’cause I’ve been/am there. I just don’t necessarily agree that other people should be enablers. In a single day I can go from sincerely (based on more than a decade of suffering) wishing for it to be over, to actually experiencing a little joy. That tells me that feelings come and go. Anyway. Take care.
@ muspelhem The ideas in your various comments in this post are resonating with me. Thanks for taking the time to put this stuff in writing.
Ok sure thing. I will keep digging for solutions myself. I’m sorry I’m a little bit a **** concerning these things but I’m indeed extremely frustrated. I’ve dealt with people telling me “it will get better” or just take this magic pill here (although I’m still convinced I do not have depressions, because I know what depressions are (I had major depression couple years ago), for over a decade now. I’ve tried so many different medications, psychotherapy etc. (basically since I was a kid, always had problems lol) yet nothing worked which leads me to only one conclusion; either I’m not mentally ill at all or I have such a complex neural anomaly it isn’t treatable anyways. I also do not fit into the common personality disorders.
I can’t even get some sorts of benefits, not able to work at the same time. All these life experiences made me so much more antisocial than I already was to begin with that I can’t see any way back. I’m not re sociable. I do experience joy on a regular basis, but I feel joy is torture because it just keeps me longer in this hell.
Living on for me means a life of social alienation/shaming, financial ruin and resentment, whether I temporary feel joy or not is pretty much meaningless to me.
Just a couple of years ago my life from the outside seemed good, stable relationship, studying in a good University, good social circle, no financial troubles yet I still felt like an alien on this planet since I was born. This inner feel of alienation made me more and more antisocial and more and more I started to harbor hatred towards anyone and everything. It’s something I can’t turn off. I really do feel like I’m not even human at times lol. There is no chance I will ever fit into society… Sure I could live in some woods or something, I’ve tried things like that at least as close to it as you can get before and yes it is possible but the cost for this in todays world is immense. Society has no tolerance for “dissidents” and I can’t even really blame them, it’s evolution, nature is brutal. But obviously my mind constantly tries to find solutions but there is none. It’s stress 24/7 whether I smile or I gaze into the abyss, not really a difference.
And as I said before I think euthanasia is ethically, philosophically and intellectually the right thing. Cleans out the genetic pool and prevents suffering at the same time. Win – win.
I might ask my dumbass doctor if he prescribes me some anti anxiety meds lmao
@ a1957 You’re welcome, thanks for reading 🙂 For me, it was pure indulgence.
I think the trouble with wanting to clear out the genetic pool – or seeing that as a reason to go, maybe I’m wrong here, but adaptive traits are ineffable. There are no hard and fast rules (I suppose there are, to an extent) – whatever works, works. That means that if someone kills themselves, they are in a sense playing God: They are deciding that their traits don’t cut it, and eliminating them. There is some speculation that suicide might be an adaptive example of kin selection. In Dawkins’ selfish gene theory, natural selection happens on genes, not organism. So if someone kills themselves, that might be adaptive, because it would free up resources for other carriers of the same genes to pass on more of those genes. This theory is so weird, yet compelling: We are simply vessels for our genes. Sex and death happens because the genes need to be mixed in new ways all the time. Anyway, my point is that rather than the environment culling you, you’re doing it to yourself voluntarily. Or maybe the environment is indirectly making you do it?
Regarding financial difficulties, I understand that that’s a worry. Last night I read some gossip about Hollywood, and it made me realise that a lot of the people I had regarded at the ultimate examples of success, fulfilment and happiness, were… very human. Steeped in drugs, financial worries, infidelity, meaningless flings, kind of a search for fulfilment. We’ve all heard of people like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, etc., but this really brought it home to me how strange, unfulfilling, and anxiety-ridden fame must in many cases be. It’s not that I would advocate being flat-out destitute, but reading this stuff really made me reexamine my notions about success and happiness, and what I wanted. It’s a cliché to say that people are chasing these empty dreams, but I had never understood it, and it made me sad for our culture, sad that because so many people depend upon these icons for a living, their public image is sanitized, and they’re held up as ideals to us, and especially to our young, many of whom aspire to be like that. And then it’s all just a front, and they’re just as fucked-up, lost and miserable as the rest of us.
I encourage you to seek out answers for yourself, and I feel half guilty for not sharing what I know, but I honestly would have a hard time living with the knowledge that I enabled you to kill yourself. I don’t want to believe that is your only option.
You know times are fucked when satire and reality are hardly distinguishable lol
Wrong reply
dat username
Morris yes sorry I might come off as a bit of a ****. I’m stressed. You are rationally correct what you’re saying. Although my conclusion is I simply don’t know, full stop. It could be anything or absolutely nothing. It remains kind of a gamble but what I know for sure I’m not willing to live this life any longer as there is absolutely no positive outcome for me in sight. So yes I’m willing to gamble and gambling always involved risks, naturally I’m kind of scared.
But my main issue is not “rationality”, it’s emotion. If you’re dying due to natural causes it’s something you have no control over. I do have control over whether I commit suicide or not and that’s the part that is scary. Also again the physical pain kind of keeps me in check which is my main concern because this should be easily managable with certain chemicals.
I understand.
If I could help you I would, free of charge, but I can’t. This is one of those questions you’ve gotta answer for yourself.
If it’s not your time to go, it’s not. If it is, then it is. (Didn’t mean to sound like Yoda but that’s the best I’ve got).
Morris if you can’t help that’s fine. Although not too sure how you mean “If it’s not your time to go, it’s not. ” that kind of doesn’t sound like the nihilist-like stuff you said before. Or do you simply mean I have to get over this myself? Sure I do, but why not help a little bit with substances, techniques or the like I’m pretty sure exist and are somewhat accessible?
Your story resonates with me because I’ve been there before. I had a m*thod that’s about 99% effective, all I had to do was pull my finger back about 1)16th of an inch and my life would’ve ended. I knew that once the deed was done I couldn’t undo it, there was no do-over.
In that moment I thought “it’s not your time. Not yet”. I don’t know if that voice was the survival instinct kicking in or what, but I didn’t pull the trigger. So I walked to a Mexican restaurant instead and bought five rolled tacos with guacamole and cheese. Best 5 rolled tacos with guacamole I’ve ever had.
I’m not interested in talking you into or out of anything. Listen to your own inner voice; trust your intuition and let yourself be guided by what you believe to be the inner voice that has your best interests at heart.
Morris I’m sorry to hear you went through some shit, I really do but I do also believe we humans are built to form patterns from personal experiences and applying them to our surroundings, while this can be extremely useful it’s not always very objective. I’ve heard so many times people telling me “oh I’ve been there” but they weren’t. Not taking away anything from their personal suffering but these situations factually just aren’t all the same. Even people who are very close to me, which I know want to really help me see no solution anymore, it’s driving them crazy as well. Obviously they want me to be alive but at the same time no one is able to actually help me in my situation.I’ve been stuck in that situation for at least 2 years now but it all started to go downhill over 10 years ago.
My inner voice changes 5 times a day for years now. I sometimes try to get back into life but the circumstances don’t allow it. Either I chose a life of suffering or I end it now. I do not *want* to die but I think it’s the best solution because my inner voice only knows hatred and anger, nothing constructive will ever yield again. I can chose to off myself, to accept a life of torture or go on a rampage and do damage to other people out of anger, hatred and frustration. My rational mind tells me suicide is the better option, also does my moral code tell me this. I’ve been stuck in this world between life and death for a long time and i’m really starting to lose control over it. I want to end it before things get much much worse.
You’re right, it’s difficult to be objective when we’re judging ourselves. Its always subjective, and we’re our own harshest critic.
You’re gonna do whatever you’re gonna do. It might be a mistake, or it might be the right decision. Either way you’ll never know without the benefit of hindsight.
(I kinda feel like a f*cked up fortune cookie message now).
I’m not a Nihilist, I’m a realist with Buddhist tendencies.
Not an expert in philosophy but to me it always seemed that the difference between Buddhists and Nihilists is very slim.
I wish I was able to believe, I’d be a Buddhist monk in no time.
Buddhists believe that life does matter while you’re alive. You create meaning and you set value for your life while you’re around to experience this temporary, fleeting existence.
There is no external Savior to save you or provide refuge for you in the afterlife; you are personally Divine even if you haven’t figured that out yet.
Nihilists believe that nothing matters and we’re all pretty much disposable and forgettable. I’m ok with that too, but the optimist in me wants to believe they’re mistaken. That’s why I’m just a half assed Buddhist.
Do you guys find meaning in novels? Because apart from relationships with other humans (or animals), I love immersing myself in fiction.
I also think there’s something to be said for a certain degree of ascetism. Some of the happiest days in my life happened when I moved to my current apartment and had no internet access at home for 3 days. Otherwise I tend to be online all the time. Is that making me miserable?
opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/07/the-joy-of-less/
I do not have Facebook and I’d like to keep my (at least somewhat) anonymity anyways
I mean… what exactly is it you fear? The pain of what you have to do? I know you said you don’t want to mention how you’re going to do it, but if it’s something that will be painful, then you just have to power through it.
I’m looking for ways to help me “power through” it. I mean the day I off myself will come either way. Question just is through how much torture do i have to put my soul through until then? I’d rather die now relatively peaceful and high on some shit than wait til I do really cross that last border of total soul crushing desperation.
Electrocute your pathetic self. Power enough, moron?
Electrocution is kind of hard with most 240 volt or even 400 sockets. Why don’t you try and report back and cry me a river about how your 12098302938ths suicide attempt failed?
Hmmm. . . I seem to recall from fourth grade science class that the crucial aspect in death by electrocution is the amperage. Remember? Or did you not stay current on this? Shocking!
Of course it’s amperage, doesn’t change the fact that sockets come with volt and amperage standards. I don’t remember the amperages of our standard sockets, but I know the volt standards. If I’m talking about a 240 volt socket you could find out what amperage it has, what I know it’s not enough to consistently kill at all. But maybe you try out for yourself you IQ 80.
Tell me what triggered you so hard? Butthurt people actually try and will get this through cleanly while you moron can’t even kill yourself? LOL
The question you have asked has an incredibly complex set of answers. I overcame the fear of deliberately dying some years ago. How I did it was so intensely personal and so personalized as to be practically useless to any one else. The fear did not leave when I wanted it to but it left when it did. I am still here because of a few errors I made resulted in an intervention.
I’ve had moments of almost complete fearlessness before. Would drive like a complete maniac for example or do some other extremely risky things just for the fun of it. But unfortunately never could do this on command. But I don’t know if I reached levels where I could actively kill myself in a direct manner (probably was the intend) but I think there is still a difference between not caring if you die in some accident or actively and directly killing yourself.
Did the “errors” you made possibly have anything to due with subconscious fear or was it just pure lack of luck? I feel like many suicides fail because the subconsciousness still fights it. I mean on paper suicide isn’t that hard actually but I do know how hard it is in practice….
Are you sure you didn’t do these errors on “purpose” (not blaming you or anything don’t get me wrong, anyone who tells you suicide is easy has no idea)
The last thing I want is a suicide attempt to go wrong to be honest. Now that is a risk I’m not willing to take. Either I do it or I don’t. Seen to many stories of people who failed. Don’t want any more brain damage than I already have lol
Did my “errors” have something to do with a subconscious desire to keep living? I doubt it. My errors where based on the erroneous belief that no one could possibly care if I died. So I gave little thought to preventing intervention. An intervention it was indeed.
So now I give life a questioning chance while keeping a leery eye on my future and good ammo in the g*n. It is a shifting line between the two.
There are stupid questions, then there is this one. How about swallowing some bleach and reporting back to us about how you overcame your “fear”, you ignorant fuck. Shit, or get off the pot. And fuck you, too.
From which safe space did you crawl out of? lmao do you think you being a triggered **** affects me?
I think I’m just gonna leave it at that… I could explain to you why this question is valid and why you’re a moron but I don’t want to destroy you.
Have a good one and chill out
Well, seeing as how you don’t have the balls to destroy yourself, I doubt you’d do much damage here. But you can dream, cant you, loser? 😉 Sleep tight, fuckface.
You know I’ve never been scared of being called a coward because frankly I never gave a fuck about social recognition. I think it’s just very ironic someone that sits on a suicideforum and is still around calls others pussies to be honest. Cowardice is nothing else than a concept to keep people in check and under control, good luck with that on someone who is antisocial to the core you dimwit.
If your life is bad enough you won’t be afraid of suicide it is your only salvation
That’s what I was trying say. Thank you COD/S.
I don’t think so. The one thing that keeps me alive is anger against the system and society. I feel cheated of life. Either I’m going to put that anger towards myself and my death or at some point it will end up as the problem of other people. That’s what keeps me alive, not any quality of living whatsoever.
I’ve felt that way too but if the same rules apply to you as they did to me, you are digging your own grave. And you may not be the one who has full control over your death. There are people watching over you and what you write, and everytime you order food someone has control over your health and life. Sadly your life can be taken away by the system every single day. That’s one thing I never realised, living in blissful ignorance. God I wish I had proper parents to have taught me the important lessons.
Hey! I’m in a similar situation where I don’t really want to die, but I have to. And about overcoming the fear, I guess it really depends on the method you’ll be using. For example, I chose a method that involves a lot of preparation first, so when I was testing some things about it, I realized that once it starts there was no turning back. The more familiar you get with the idea the less fear you have. But there are some methods that are “instantaneous”, and when you have to overcome the fear of doing it you just don’t have to think of what you’re doing, forget about everything that instant.
Well, if you want information about some drug you can use, I can’t help you, maybe sleeping pills? But of course, it really depends on the method and I respect your decision to not talk about it.
Not my decision not to talk about, it’s against the forum rules. I imagine I’d get banned quickly if I talked about methods even though this makes zero sense.
Fuckyouall, I have to apologize to you.
Sorry. That stuff I wrote was wrong, childish and immature. You’re right. I semi snapped last night.
I rented a movie last night called The Show. I don’t recommend it. If you havent seen it, look it up. It sounded interesting, but sent me over the edge, literally, and for whatever stupid idiotic reason, I decided to take out my anger on you. That’s not the real me, I hope. I just screwed up.
I’m sorry, again. I was a total dick.
Louis CK’s apology was better.
Just kidding.
I am with you there. I am very careful with what I watch or even what I listen to b/c my trigger has a weak spring. I get that.
It’s alright. I have anger issues myself I know how that is lol. Apology accepted buddy
Respect for coming back and bringing an apology even though you could just hide behind your computer screen. Kinda sad to see the people here seem to be just fucked up humans like I am who aren’t really bad, just can’t handle this shit anymore.
Checked out the movie. Now I see how this could have triggered you lol. I’ve stopped watching this “immoral” hollywood social engineering garbage long time ago (tinfoil hat? maybe but that’s another topic I won’t discuss here) . I see where you’re coming from we live in totally fucked up times. Modern society is totalitarian and disgusting but in it’s own unique way. I don’t want to go into politics though and I’m not American anyways.
There is a lot though that makes me extremely angry in how the modern world works I think many agree on this whether you’re “left” or “right” or something else. Everything is just about an image you project, doesn’t really matter whether you stand behind it or not. Life is disposable and just serves the greater “benefit” etc. which is not always totally wrong but in this case I can’t even see the benefits…. Except for a few elites.
I realized these things when I was waaay too young to handle it and is a big reason why I fucked up my life. Too much knowledge about how things really work, how perverted the system is and too much youthful naive confidence. Didn’t work out so well. I’m absolutely against this new mentality, that also includes that life is completely disposable but unfortunately I can’t really think of a solution. To me it’s like if you function within this system you support it. But to have any power you need to be recognized by society, have the funds etc so you would have to inevitably play along. I kind of just refuse to accept this bullshit. Always did, it’s how my personality unfortunately works.
In this sense we live in interesting times I think. I think social collapse may be around the corner.
Even though I was very vague in what I said I hope this didn’t come off as too much tin foil hat or rubbed you too much the wrong way. Just my thoughts when I saw what the movie was about and I saw how angered you were.
You know times are fucked when reality and satire are hardly distinguishable lol.
I couldn’t finish the movie. . . It created such a mental storm. It’s sick that the entertainment industry will make a movie about suicidal people resorting to reality TV as a means of providing for the loved ones they are about to leave, to point out how sick the entertainment industry is. Its like a grocer selling something at a steep discount because it causes cancer, if that makes sense. But the industry is just a reflection of its customers, and while I think it’s a bit far fetched that this will ever happen, (reality show for suicidal people) it just made me realize how lost we are, and how we blindly grope outwards to our television sets for leadership and guidance at times.
You may have fucked yourself up by realizing these things at a young age, but maybe you avoided being caught up in it too, so maybe that’s good.
Sometimes I shake my head at how we shelter kids from the truth when they’re young, and then sit idly by as they grow up and realize they were told lies about the true nature of “life.” Well, at least that’s how it’s done in “civilized” countries.
Yeah, ok, thanks. It’s about finding better ways to vent anger, and damn if I don’t blow it sometimes.
Yeah trust me I’m used to this kind of stuff. Also I’m prone to it myself, anger is one of my absolute main issues I think. Don’t beat yourself too hard over it.
Good stuff here. I’m like you in being antisocial and deriving life fuel from anger/revenge towards society. Although I absolutely don’t like being slave to my emotions/beliefs/tendencies, this one thing cannot be compromised by me. It probably follows from my will to freedom. I too got too much knowledge at relatively young age and that seeped away all worldly passions from my life. Anyway, not as advice but just writing my personal views in general form. I think it is better to turn inwards. There is nothing outside and they aren’t worth it. I feel it is still a form of bondage if I’m triggered by anything, if anything affects me. What if… What if there exists a state where none of it affects you anymore, none of it matters anymore. That’s what I would call absolute freedom. And the possibility of that freedom is what keeps me driving.
Really sounds a little bit like my experience. I remember as a kid I used to have a extreme (even for a child) drive for knowledge etc. I just remember at some point I couldn’t handle it anymore because I started to hate this world more and more. When I was like 14-15 all my motivations just vanished. Didn’t care anymore, didn’t want to learn anything new, didn’t really want to continue education although I still kind of did, never developed any careers plans and started to become more and more a shut in. Although I was functional for quite some time, at least on the outside, friends, girlfriend etc I really started to feel extremely lonely. Nowadays I’m a complete shut in, haven’t had real social contacts besides family for over 2 years now.
I guess I would almost qualify as a hikikomori. I don’t know what the cause behind hikikomori is, some say it’s social anxiety but that’s not really the case for me. It’s more like pure misanthropy lol
My biggest mistake probably was to drop out of University. I’d at least have a decent degree in economics now and could do some overpaid brain dead job. I was actually more or less interested in the degree itself (as far as possible at least lol) but I couldn’t handle the moronic people there. Economics attract the worst of humanity lol
I’m in a vicious spiral now. I’m trilingual, almost quadrilingual but no education to really show for, the one I have is pretty much useless by now. Ruined curriculum etc. I see almost no way back, even if someone hired me (which is unlikely) I deal with chronic insomnia for over a decade now, as I said I’m not really sociable and I have suicidal thoughts every day basically. I’d be fired within a week probably. I also don’t have access to benefits. The circumstances are fucked and even if they weren’t I’m not capable of any motivation/goals. Came how it had to come I guess.
Oh and my liver is fucked for some unknown reason ( I don’t drink lol)