I feel people like me don’t belong in this world. I am very alone. I had something to make me feel fulfilled but I was stripped of it 5.5 years ago. I am currently 22.5. That may be young to you but that is irrelevant since in my eyes, this is a good age to die. I see NO point in living past your prime just to become some old man. It isn’t ME.
I am defeated.
I am not close to a single human.
My parents betrayed me. I hate those fools.
Society and its inefficient school system betrayed me (too much emphasis to general ed = waste of time. What an idiotic system. Your GPA is IRRELEVANT. “Oh I can go to a better university”.
1) Major > School you go to as long as the program is accredited. You know, nurses make a lot and where they graduate from doesn’t even matter (again, as long as the program is accredited). GPA only really has some sort of edge when it comes to internships for certain majors.
2) It’s actually CHEAPER and more efficient to do the first 2 years in a CC. If you are poor enough, it’s basically free (if you fill out FAFSA paper work).
I will keep it short but basically, around 80% of a human’s brain is fully developed by the ages of 2-3 and basically, people should have AA-T degrees by around the age of 16 or less. It’s stupid how you see gen eds from 1st – 12th grade and you have to see 2 years more for a bachelors. It’s illogical. At the college level, all it does is clog the system and screw people over economically.
I am also too exhausted to invest 8hrs into a day for work. I am tired of it. It’s worse when taking transportation into account. It basically totals to 11 hours. There isn’t a single thing that brings me joy in a day. All I had was one thing and it was truly perfect. THE perfect linchpin. Stripped of it and now it’s gone forever. It was worth more than all the money in the world. It truly was.
I have no social support. I lost my perfect linchpin. I don’t like working. I don’t want to live.
This life is vanity. You either have a family (which is also pointless) or you die alone. Both are so meaningless.
There is no point to going outside. I look at trees and homes and feel nothing. I have volunteered and still felt nothing. I have been to the mental institute twice and I hate it because it’s nothing but sophistry (they basically say “your way is the wrong way of living. My suggestion is the right way”. Basically the more stubborn you are, the less likely it is these things will help you. It’s true for me at least. Talking and pills are useless for me. Do you think pills will magically “un”rape someone? No (That didn’t happen to me but just an example). It’s not that simple. Some traumas are just too strong. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors do not understand that however.
You think those 20 vets that kill themselves per day could have been saved? I don’t. There’s a point where you can’t break-even, a point where nothing can make up for all the bad you have endured.
What mental health workers fail to understand is that life is not worth living for if you can’t BREAK-EVEN.
It’s like they don’t understand the concept of breaking-even. Why live at a loss? There’s no logic.
I also don’t have empathy anymore. Maybe my hippocampus shrunk too much because I just don’t care anymore. Human life is worth as much as dirt to me. I just don’t care anymore. I am beyond numb.
I am tired. I would say everyday is the same thing but it’s not. It really does get worse as you age. I used to be a man but my trauma turned me into a little boy. Children do not belong in this corrupted world. I feel too innocent for this world, I really do. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I had chances for relationships and rejected all of them. I don’t belong here.
I want to kill myself in the night. I want rain to pour. I want the weather to be perfect before I jump off that bridge.
13 comments
You sound like a logical person. That is not too terribly common these days. Boy can I relate to some of your feelings about our terrible one-size-fits-all educational system. I think often of the myriad ways that it can be improved. There’s a lot of low hanging fruit before you even get to the tough parts of making improvements. The thing I most relate with you about tonight is feeling tired. I had a person unintentionally help trigger some deep depression tonight.
I never intended to live past 70 years old, it is my limit, my cause of death will be suicide if for some odd reason I really get to 70. This is a decision I took when I was about 20 years old. Today I am 33 and I still didn’t change it. Some people may have reasons to live to their eighties, nineties etc; but I don’t want to depend on others for anything, nor I want to become too unattractive. Actually, the only reason I intended to live past 60 is because I hoped I would be retired by then, so I would use the time to travel around the world, which is something I love.
It is terrible when you realize that you will spend most of your life and all your youth just studying and working. When I was 20-something I did a spreadsheet to try to figure out what I would be doing during all my life. It was terrible to see how little time I would have to do other things beside working and studying. When would I have fun? When would I actually live? After getting to my sixties? After losing my youth? After becoming unattractive? Well, it was when I decided not to have kids anymore, If I had little time, I would spend all this time on me then. Such a selfish decision, I know, but there is the good point that I won’t bring anyone to this miserable world.
But anyway, 22/23 years old is not your prime yet. For instance, professional athletes usually reach their peak performance somewhere between 26 and 32 years old, depending on the sport. So if you don’t screw things up by eating junk food or doing other unhealthy things, you can still wait a little longer to reach your prime. Regarding appearance, if this is something that matters to you, I take me as an example that getting older doesn’t necessarily mean getting uglier: I constantly got better over the years, especially when I was 28. But then I stopped going to the gym and lost too much weight — stupid decision… But today I consider I am better than when I was 26 or when I was 30, for example, so it really depends on how healthy is your lifestyle when it comes to appearance.
It was actually my passion for training (and I mean PASSION) that ended me.
The more you invest, the more the loss hurts…
If you are interested, you could click on my username and see some posts I have written about the methodical routine I used to have. The real me is dead. The years of lost potential in both body and mind ended me.
It’s already too late to break-even in my eyes. It really does rot my brain 24/7 for the past 5.5 years.
https://suicideproject.org/2017/02/body-of-a-little-boy/
Here’s one.
Just want to add that that’s what started my problems but it became more complicated. It got darker and darker. Large amounts of emasculation made this world colorless. No way to break-even.
Ok, I’ve seen some of your posts and now I get it from where you’re coming.
Well, man, I feel sorry for you as it was the thing you most wished for in your life, but you already know that you won’t have it. Period.
So can’t you really take a look around and see if something else might interest you? That’s the only option, and things will get worse if you don’t find anything else, I’m sure you are aware of that.
I’ve had one obsession too. Quite different than yours, but an obsession nevertheless. I still feel bad that I was not able to get it, and I will feel bad about it forever. But there was nothing else I could do: I had to accept the loss and I started to wander around seeing what else was there to be seen — maybe I could find a new obsession, or maybe I would not find another obsession but I could simply discover some other thing that would make life worthwhile.
But before continuing, let me say I sorry if I offend you with something I write. I don’t know you, I don’t know your whole story, so I don’t really have the means to give this kind of opinion, but I will try anyway — just know that I am aware that I might be going overboard.
That being said, I guess this has much to do with growing up. I’m not saying that you’re imature, but you’ve got blind, your obsession doesn’t let you see anything else, actually the very idea of seeing something else despises you, and that’s pretty much what happens to some obsessions we have have as kids: I NEED that toy, because all the others have it and I will be a joke if I’m the only one who doesn’t; it has to be THAT toy, no other will do; and it has to be NOW! — What happens if we don’t get the toy is that we cry, we argue with our parents, we get sad, we may throw ourselves to the ground, we don’t eat… it’s like the world ended for us and we’re doomed for eternal suffering.
But as we grow up we learn to deal with these things. We start to accept not getting everything we want. We also lose that fixation, becoming more flexible and starting to see that there are other interesting toys around, maybe even one that is more interesting than the one we initially wished for.
In this sense, your obsession and your pride blinded you and didn’t let you grow up.
You probably don’t want to even consider other options because your pride was hurt, and considering other things is like accepting you were defeated. But there is no sense in talking about defeat when we’re talking about things that are not under our control.
So how long will you let this unattainable obsession, this misplaced sense of defeat and your hurt pride hold you back?
Even though you talk about humiliation due to your height, in the end you probably overreacted and exaggerated things — you know it was a tremendous obsession, so deep down you are probably able to see that you might have overreacted sometimes.
I’ve met a lot of guys of your height. More than that, I’ve dated guys who had your height. OK, actually, I confess that I do like guys who are about your height, heheh… I wish you could see that this is not an obstacle for happiness and that you shouldn’t let this hold you back.
Where’s all that will power?
You were very accurate but I’m not moving on.
In the end, this will destroy me. I will allow it to destroy me. I already know suicide is the only true answer.
Like you said, “considering other things is like accepting you were defeated”.
I’d rather die than be something I’m not. Sour ending but that’s life. 5.5 years of enduring is just too much for me. It’s already too late.
Even with all 3 surgeries, I would have to start over from square one (as a “12 year old”). That alone means I will never unlock my full potential and with my personality, that is basically the equivalent to a death sentence. It’s really over. I am just waiting for the perfect weather before jumping off that bridge.
Long story short, all I ever cared about was physical power, will power, and dominance. Nothing else has meaning. Not relationships. Not drugs. Not money. That is the real me. Power. What a shame..
I wanted a body that reflected my spirit. The most dominant form in existance. If I can’t be the real me, I am better off dead. I used to be so simple. My life could have been perfect. I was so close and yet so far..
It doesn’t sound like a powerful spirit for me, so it looks like that after all those years without training your body is still reflecting your will power.
By the way, have you ever dated someone despite your lack of interest?
No my motivation is nowhere near as strong anymore. It’s gone. I guess this pathetic body is suitable now.
Also I have never dated anyone. I had chances but I never felt anything even if the girl was pretty. Even when some made it blatantly obvious (not common but it has happened a few times). I’m not the type that can connect with people. When I smile it’s just a facade but in truth I feel nothing.
I’m just not the social type. I used to love being alone with my thoughts. Just training for hours in a day (about 2-3 everyday for 4.5 years until the age 16.5).
It’s truly sad that you can’t, bonding is the best thing life has to offer for us humans.
And there really is no point in trying to convince a therapist that life is not worth living if your “happiness’ net value” is negative, after all they are paid to keep you alive, they will always try to show you, or make you get to the conclusion, that there is a reason to stay alive — and if they fail, it1s certainly some chemical imbalance on your brain that is not allowing you to see things straight, of course… Even if they believe you are right, most wouldn’t dare to say it.
Like you, I believe that the break-even is important indeed. It only makes sense to live if you have more joys than misery in your life, but I think it’s also important to analyze the perspectives: your happiness balance may be very low now, but what are the chances of it increasing? The problem here is that the younger we are, the harder it is to try to come up with answers to this. We may even come up with some answers analyzing the most common scenarios, but things get much more complicated when we consider that we don’t really have to follow the most common paths our society gives us, like college > work/family > retirement. There are other paths for those who dare to step outside, and maybe they are the ones which would make one’s happiness balance skyrocket, who knows?
But even if we believe all paths will lead to misery, we’re still dealing with predictions, we won’t know if we try it. It’s not easy to determine if it’s worth trying.
Exactly this.