… and I am about to share some of them. These are my thoughts. I have never ONCE seen a post like this that I can say,” oh my god, I can COMPLETELY relate to this person so fucking well! HOLY FUCKING SHIT I CANT BELIEVE THIS!”
I don’t really want to feel miserable, but that’s better than having it change to something that I am COMPLETELY not used to, which is feeling happy. Sometimes I want to feel miserable like I do now, but just not to a point where I feel like I can’t handle it. The fear of change is FAR worse than any feelings of misery I will ever have. So that’s why I don’t want this to change. EVER. But, WAIT, let me guess. That won’t happen, because things can almost NEVER be how I like, because that’s a sin, right? Fuck off, god!
However there are things I would like to change. The things I would like to change, are:
1. My heat issue(which I can explain)
2. My lack of motivation
3. My anxiety
If I can fix all of those things, things will feel much better and I won’t feel the need to fix anything else. There are things I want to change and things I don’t want to change. Not that I like being so self-hateful all the time, but changing that feeling would be WAY bigger change than I could ever handle, and that’s why I hope it never changes.
Whatever, you can think what you want of me, how twisted this is after reading all this, but it’s not going to change how I truly feel inside.
Certain things I hope will get better someday, and others I don’t. The things I mentioned above are the things I hope change but everything else I hope doesn’t change EVER.
But again, things probably will NOT turn out how I want, because I can hardly ever get what I want.
So fucking pathetic.
2 comments
Yes, you are completely and utterly unlike anyone else on the planet, living or dead. You have now been validated. Feel better?
Things will change. A lot of things. Mostly without your consent or foreknowledge. You don’t need to be utterly unique to have worth or to be heard. It’s better to try to affect some change in the world, or just in your world, than to let fear define you. Only you can empower you. Splice that loop tape. Try on a new thought. (And, yes, yes, I don’t understand, it’s all futile, it’s someone else’s fault, it’s hopeless, etc.) Hope you feel better soon.
actually, a lot of depressed people feel like this
being depressed is part of our comfort zone, and definitely colours who we are… we don’t want that to change, and we don’t want to become unfamiliar with ourselves…
or, at least, that’s how i see it… i could be entirely wrong