With my limited number of options because of my situation, I would probably stuff my face every day with all kinds of tasty junk food. Selfish, I know. But then I did not volunteer myself for the targeting program that I have been in for at least the last 20 years so my selfishness is justified, in my world anyway.
Yes – I am what’s known as a targeted individual. There are thousands of us all over the world but we are largely dismissed and labeled mentally ill, which we are not. Please read my other posts to get a rough idea if you wish. I have been covertly watched, monitored and manipulated for at least 20 years – I found out in April 2014 when I was put into a mental hospital because of the targeting. There is no way out for me. Only death I’m afraid.
I’d rent a room overlooking the Pacific and enjoy walking on the coast. I’d have my cats with me and would have all the arrangements made for transfer of their ownership, to whom, I’m unsure at this point. My last seven days would be full of them and the ocean and it’s beauty. There’s not much else I’d care to be a part of for my final week.
I don’t want to do it at home either, I’m just gonna go as far as I could, well I sure will smoke hella weed this week that’s all I could do to get ready. The only thing worrying me is my suicide note I don’t really know what to write. I don’t want anybody to feel guilty or blame themselves for I’m about to do you know
I’m currently 19, yes I drive, I intend to drive to a nearby city. About 3 hours away. we have an apartment where we often go to on holidays and vacations. Well, I had already bought a rope and got everything ready. Hopefully it’d go as planned
I was hoping to drive to a city 3 hours away last year to jump off a bridge in town, but then I got caught smoking and driving the very day before. So I’ve been sitting here waiting 13 months to get my license back so I can go drive to jump but I just found out it’s gonna cost me 1500$ after my mom’s already paid them about 4000$. So I feel bad about these extra expenses when I was just planning to kill myself anyway.
I’m 23 by the way
(was planning to be dead by 18– 2012—was gonna pawn all my things and buy a shotgun– didn’t have enough money and no matter what I did I couldn’t get enough money — then I got a shotgun by pawning an Xbox One at 21 and it was taken literally hours before I was going to drive off to canyons and shoot off my head.) -haven’t had a job since 19 so that was the only 450$ I had had in years and then the cops just took it like it was valueless and they didn’t just steal all the money I had.
1100$ of my job earnings (only earned 5500$) was already paid to the police. (For having on possession a stem of weed and a kool-aid pitcher with a Gatorade bottle in it with water and socket in cap)
Then I was charged a $45,000 hospital stay for 28 days in mental ward where they do not let you out and every time you ask they just shove pills into your bloodstream with a needle to sedate you. (I guess health insurance covers that – but I’d never wish it on anyone – unless they are pathetic freaks then I would wish it on them)
I have looked into hanging but it is not my favorite way to go. But I do know if I get desperate to get the Manila hemp from The Home Depot.
If I had my license I would probably either jump off the bridge or drive off and do Japanese charcoal method.
I have saved up a lethal dose of the pills the psych ward gave me (150% lethal dose) but I spilt some when I was about to take it and shoved the cup with a lil hole in the lid in my backpack (plastic coffee cup from Starbucks) – don’t know if I dropped more than I thought and don’t have enough now.
(Shit this might get deleted. I’m just explaining the struggle, if you fail the first time you are just destined for a life of torture.)
I am also working on building a shotgun at home (it has cost me about 60$) but it is not firing correctly. I am also worried it will only shoot once and then collapse so I can’t test it before using it on myself. I can’t get the firing pin to work. I have everything working except for the firing pin. I have the extra strength buckshot (6 bullets) the 2 pipes that fit each other. The hub cap. And the screw, but the screw is not sparking the bullet when it hits it. I hear to use Soda caps around the screw. I don’t get how to get the firing pin to work so that is put aside for now.
But my saving grace, is that I found a chart with lethal doses of medications and know now there are many over the counter medications with surprisingly small lethal doses. Like Benadryl. I think just 30-40 pills of Benadryl and you’re a goner. I’ll probably just walk to the drug store whenever I feel like it and pick up some meds.
I’m just gonna like…walk somewhere where I can hide and die. I just wish it would have worked the first time. That I got a shotgun before my whole life was flushed down the toilet. And now there’s nothing left for me except for death.
Man, I’m really sorry for all this, sometimes I just think life likes to fuck over those of us that already in pain, I hope I don’t fail or chicken out, I’m planning to give away all my belongings by the end of the week, I feel like a total selfish prick when I think about my mother and what she has done for me, I know my death will totally wreck her, but this is the way it should be you know. I hope you finally find peace you are seeking 🙂
I’d do as much good as I possibly can…
Help help help, pray pray pray, visit as many family members/ relatives & friends…
Then again, knowing ur situation…
I’d also think think think & think…
is this really really necessary? 🙁
Do I really really have to go?
& if yes, why?
<3 <3 <3
okay love
my question would then be…
if you can actually enjoy life for a week…
why not keep on enjoying it for a month,
a year,
or perhaps till the veryend of it…?
If you Can enjoy it?
If this is a possibility…
then why let go of it?
The only reason I’m enjoying it is that I know it will end by the end of the week, I’ve had a very bad life and I don’t want my last days to be as empty and shallow and painful as the others so I try to just enjoy my life one last time before I finally find peace.
23 comments
With my limited number of options because of my situation, I would probably stuff my face every day with all kinds of tasty junk food. Selfish, I know. But then I did not volunteer myself for the targeting program that I have been in for at least the last 20 years so my selfishness is justified, in my world anyway.
To be honest that’s what I seem to be doing as well, that and smoking a lot of weed, can’t seem to stop but I don’t think it matters anymore
targeting program?
Yes – I am what’s known as a targeted individual. There are thousands of us all over the world but we are largely dismissed and labeled mentally ill, which we are not. Please read my other posts to get a rough idea if you wish. I have been covertly watched, monitored and manipulated for at least 20 years – I found out in April 2014 when I was put into a mental hospital because of the targeting. There is no way out for me. Only death I’m afraid.
I’d rent a room overlooking the Pacific and enjoy walking on the coast. I’d have my cats with me and would have all the arrangements made for transfer of their ownership, to whom, I’m unsure at this point. My last seven days would be full of them and the ocean and it’s beauty. There’s not much else I’d care to be a part of for my final week.
This sounds so beautiful, I wish I could spend my final days all by myself somewhere in the wild but hey we don’t always get what we want right
Right. This fantasy assumes I can put all that together in time.
I was hoping to smoke weed one last time before I kill myself but it isn’t happening because I’d have to pay 1150$ to get my license back.
Or just go on a drive. Because I wouldn’t want to kill myself at home, ya know? But that looks like what I’ll have to do.
I don’t want to do it at home either, I’m just gonna go as far as I could, well I sure will smoke hella weed this week that’s all I could do to get ready. The only thing worrying me is my suicide note I don’t really know what to write. I don’t want anybody to feel guilty or blame themselves for I’m about to do you know
How old are you? How far from home and how you gonna do it? You drive?
I’m currently 19, yes I drive, I intend to drive to a nearby city. About 3 hours away. we have an apartment where we often go to on holidays and vacations. Well, I had already bought a rope and got everything ready. Hopefully it’d go as planned
Nice. Be careful.
I was hoping to drive to a city 3 hours away last year to jump off a bridge in town, but then I got caught smoking and driving the very day before. So I’ve been sitting here waiting 13 months to get my license back so I can go drive to jump but I just found out it’s gonna cost me 1500$ after my mom’s already paid them about 4000$. So I feel bad about these extra expenses when I was just planning to kill myself anyway.
I’m 23 by the way
(was planning to be dead by 18– 2012—was gonna pawn all my things and buy a shotgun– didn’t have enough money and no matter what I did I couldn’t get enough money — then I got a shotgun by pawning an Xbox One at 21 and it was taken literally hours before I was going to drive off to canyons and shoot off my head.) -haven’t had a job since 19 so that was the only 450$ I had had in years and then the cops just took it like it was valueless and they didn’t just steal all the money I had.
1100$ of my job earnings (only earned 5500$) was already paid to the police. (For having on possession a stem of weed and a kool-aid pitcher with a Gatorade bottle in it with water and socket in cap)
Then I was charged a $45,000 hospital stay for 28 days in mental ward where they do not let you out and every time you ask they just shove pills into your bloodstream with a needle to sedate you. (I guess health insurance covers that – but I’d never wish it on anyone – unless they are pathetic freaks then I would wish it on them)
I have looked into hanging but it is not my favorite way to go. But I do know if I get desperate to get the Manila hemp from The Home Depot.
If I had my license I would probably either jump off the bridge or drive off and do Japanese charcoal method.
I have saved up a lethal dose of the pills the psych ward gave me (150% lethal dose) but I spilt some when I was about to take it and shoved the cup with a lil hole in the lid in my backpack (plastic coffee cup from Starbucks) – don’t know if I dropped more than I thought and don’t have enough now.
(Shit this might get deleted. I’m just explaining the struggle, if you fail the first time you are just destined for a life of torture.)
I am also working on building a shotgun at home (it has cost me about 60$) but it is not firing correctly. I am also worried it will only shoot once and then collapse so I can’t test it before using it on myself. I can’t get the firing pin to work. I have everything working except for the firing pin. I have the extra strength buckshot (6 bullets) the 2 pipes that fit each other. The hub cap. And the screw, but the screw is not sparking the bullet when it hits it. I hear to use Soda caps around the screw. I don’t get how to get the firing pin to work so that is put aside for now.
But my saving grace, is that I found a chart with lethal doses of medications and know now there are many over the counter medications with surprisingly small lethal doses. Like Benadryl. I think just 30-40 pills of Benadryl and you’re a goner. I’ll probably just walk to the drug store whenever I feel like it and pick up some meds.
I’m just gonna like…walk somewhere where I can hide and die. I just wish it would have worked the first time. That I got a shotgun before my whole life was flushed down the toilet. And now there’s nothing left for me except for death.
Man, I’m really sorry for all this, sometimes I just think life likes to fuck over those of us that already in pain, I hope I don’t fail or chicken out, I’m planning to give away all my belongings by the end of the week, I feel like a total selfish prick when I think about my mother and what she has done for me, I know my death will totally wreck her, but this is the way it should be you know. I hope you finally find peace you are seeking 🙂
I am in the same situation as you, my mother is the sweetest person ever. But I don’t have another choice
My mother is what troubling me the most, to be honest.
<3 <3 <3
I’d do as much good as I possibly can…
Help help help, pray pray pray, visit as many family members/ relatives & friends…
Then again, knowing ur situation…
I’d also think think think & think…
is this really really necessary? 🙁
Do I really really have to go?
& if yes, why?
<3 <3 <3
I try as hard as I can not to think you know, I just want to enjoy it to the fullest before I leave.
okay love
my question would then be…
if you can actually enjoy life for a week…
why not keep on enjoying it for a month,
a year,
or perhaps till the veryend of it…?
If you Can enjoy it?
If this is a possibility…
then why let go of it?
<3 <3 <3
The only reason I’m enjoying it is that I know it will end by the end of the week, I’ve had a very bad life and I don’t want my last days to be as empty and shallow and painful as the others so I try to just enjoy my life one last time before I finally find peace.
Donate to charity, make provisions for those i’d leave behind, then end my life on the sixth day, so I’d rest on the seventh.
I would end my own life.