November 26th, 2017 by deerdezz

ups and downs, ups and downs
so much has happened in a year..both good and bad that i sometimes still find myself waking up if any of it was real.
and now i feel that feeling again. not necessarily wanting to be gone but not against my time being up. wondering how someone like me could be allowed to stay here when i feel so foreign to the world.
Like im not even human at all but desperately want to.
When the fog settled in and anxiety already hit its peak i left without saying a word.
I started out walking. I thought getting fresh air would help at the very least i could keep the circle of friends from ever seeing anything wrong but
Everything in me said to run and in the cold i found myself several blocks down having the hardest time to breathe on an overpass.
It kept racing and racing. first time the sound and lights cut through the fog it scared me. my whole body felt like it was shaking and burning.
My breath calmed the more i stared at the stretch of freeway underneath me.
I think ive always known i couldnt be that type but at times i find myself in compromising situations, almost purposely so that if i find myself in accident then so be it.
I feel like maybe thats what i was hoping for last night…and i actually feel condlicted bout that feeling.
I really felt like ive been in a better place attitude wise. That doesnt seem to change how broken on the inside i feel. What do you do when youre not even sure what youre trying to fix?
When youre not sure what you are?

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