Peer pressure I suppose is what you would call it.

  November 25th, 2017 by Cause of Death: Suicide

Not that I listen to those looney motherfuckers. Or take much seriously.

Anyway, I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw a post with the usual random shit nobody cares about where I search for shit that I might actually care about.

I see a post with – the usual – view of “schizo-what the fuck ever these dumbasses call it” anyway, short by short ****** model is gripping his head and clenching his eyes closed and it’s talking about HOW SCIENTISTS WANT TO CURE THEIR HEARING VOICES and such and such yada yada

Well first thing I thought is I have been diagnosed with “schizoaffective-whateverthefuck”I comment

“Well, FUCK, I’ve never heard voices. Wait I think a ghost just walked in my room and told me to go eat shit.” Also I propose an inquisitive theory: WHAT IF THEY DON’T WANT TO BE CURED? What if they don’t mind it and the “voices” don’t bother them.  Then I figure. THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT. Nobody actually hears real voices. Your thinking of something that isn’t real. Schizophrenia is the rarest disease and literally it happens to about 1 in 500,000,000. A real, drastic case of “hearing.the.voice” ya know, THE VOICE (the spiders in your ears. Fucking snake in the background from Harry Potter type shit but worse. The shit that is REALLY scary and not just some schmuck.)

Anyway, then this was the part I felt like sharing. It reminded me:

So as some  y’all may know I have not been living my normal life for the last 13 months. I was stripped of my rights and while these other people are doing their normal lives, I am trapped in a home with nothing much other than my legs and a VERY VERY small town. I just moved from the larger town I had lived in my whole life (we’ll call this the yellow town) to this tiny town (we can call this the grey or brown town) about 15 miles away. Usually, I would just drive into town regularly and do regular things. No, I wasn’t drunk but they took my license. Now I sit at home, cry, hurt myself, ask god why, and do what I can to not harm myself in a way that is irreparable.  No, not really like that. I have walked 1000 miles in last 13 months.

I had a very good life before though.  I had a routine I loved. I was stabilized. I was doing common things and working on personal projects and creative endeavors. Although I was earning no income and was basically homeless, starving, broke (but what is new?)

Anyway, I then remembered. It’s kind of funny. I was at the mall for the first time in well probably 16 months. Except for a quick in and out trip a few months ago. So I get a Christmas gift which I’m really excited about and then I’m running round the store looking for the best merch and the best stuff. See a lot of workers moving very very slow. Imagine the same thing you always see. Very slow people mostly standing around talking about nothing much. Or bending over a register. Or group of people hovering around a clothing rack. I see about 10 people that actually look interesting. The others are very eh, just uh… strange. Walking slow, moving slow, speaking slow, looking bored, feeling bored, listless energy.

So I get my shit, my present. Am an awe by the amount of merch although most doesn’t stand out to me. Do a quick eye of the store and then do a buzz through. Seeing what’s interesting, seeing what’s not. Hope to find a pair of sneakers. Anyway, get my skateboard. Walk out of the store and make an snap decision I’m gonna ride the skateboard through the store. Like in the Tony Hawk games.

Anyway, I do that. Am having a good time. Go look at shoes at other stores. Am going fast. Go to about 5 or so other stores. Window shop at about the whole mall. Decide I’ll buy my mom a nightie from Sears and a pair of work pants from CJ Banks

Her and my other company are in a store looking at kids clothing. So I go to telescope store and find the big titty store and the other annoying places that make me laugh I see if they’re still doing the same annoying shit (like Hollister still reeks and is full of perverted preps… Abercrombie is still full of guys that wish they were a jock…. Aeropostale is still just gay….. Gamestop is still full of nerds…. ETC.

Grab the alien by the antenna….

Anyway,I STOP to talk to a young woman who is waiting for her sister. I sit by her on bench waiting for my mom. I leave say it is hot then I go back upstairs. Dawdle around.  Anyway, I can get to the point now. IM FUCKING WALKING RIGHT. SO IM WALKING IM ACROSS FROM HOLLISTER BY WETZELS PRETZELS. This random ass couple comes by look 19 with a 4 year old. (Ya know those couples that just have a random ass baby and just do random ass things all the time—just walked by hollister for the records) But it’s weird cause I’m not even insulting them (not even silently I just glance at them for 2.5 seconds before looking away. I ain’t gonna look too close or even at their features cause it’s just random strangers. Anyway, I hear this fucking clown ass voice it’s like coming from their kid (I’m like is somebody playing a noise on their phone or a kids toy??) sounds like it’s coming from a kids toy and this is what is says (how about we all commit suicide today?!?!?) *insert clown laugh*

Now I know I’m not schizophrenic, but what the fuck who would do that.

Then I glance back at their child think it is demonic

Im like “OK” in a sarcastic tone because I might

Then I’m like “How about we go fuck some goats” (origin of syphillis/AIDS/gonnorhea/ ALL OF THE ABOVE …. dudes in 16th century did gave it to woman…. adding another thing to my revulsion of men) ….I study origins. I am not just revolted by men.. I also study origins. I don’t waste my life hating men, but if I see something I hate I’m gonna be like “fuck I hate that” And I usually do. I mean, but it’s not their fault their dads were nasty.. They can always follow in their nasty footsteps or………. be different. Wow. Being different. Now that is a lock and barred area.

It’s probably the same type people that creep into my dreams when I’m perfectly happy with my position in my life so they can rape me when they don’t even know me at all and make me feel like killing myself more than I already did. And make me listen to them speak when I hate the way their voice sounds and I tell them to leave.

(Anyway, point of this story is… I hate when people you hate or don’t even like creep on you when their are people that will like them and will help them be a better person. SO I MEAN, LEAVE THE PEOPLE THAT FUCKING DONT ALONE, ITS JUST COMMON COURTESY OF A GOOD PERSON. It’s not hard to be a good person.

Im a lesbian and men creep into my dreams when I’m having a good day being a lesbian so they can rape me. I think it has to do with terrible people.

I’m like please take you rape fantasies out on a real girlfriend who will “love” you, not a suicidal lesbian who would never be interested in your bullshit. )

 

*end rant*

 

yeah just came here to share. I think the voice was all in the mind and no one said it aloud. But it sounded really fucking creepy!!”

 

oh well. Fine day. Am doing a deep cleaning of my house right now. Have been putting that off for a while.

 

anyway, I’m a pretty fast runner but I wish I could run 100 mph. Cheetah-style.

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