November 12th, 2017 by ClairDeLune

I have this therapy group that I go to once a week, and it’s called a “selfworth-group” because it is supposed to help people who lack a proper sense of selfworth, i.e. people with low self-esteem, people who are self-conscious, etc. We’re currently six members, and during a meeting we usually do some kind of exercise, sit in a circle and talk about ourselves, or just listen to the psychologist explain concepts of selfworth.

What I did learn through that group, what I realized more than I did before, is that I am hugely dependent on other people’s reactions and conscious and unconscious feedback towards me. Most of all, my selfworth seems to be bound to whether there are people in my life that are happy to have me around, truly happy, that would miss me if I left, or whether there are no such people, or even worse, people that I care about that have a low opinion of me.

The group used to feel like it helped, a little. At least insofar as I felt better after a meeting than I did before, even if it didn’t actually fix my longterm sense of selfworth. But in the past 2 months or so that has changed, which might also have to do with my general depression during that time. I think what changed is that I started leaving the group with the feeling that no one really gave a shit about me, that they’d rather have me not come back than stay. And the more I felt like that, the more I secluded myself, and wasn’t able to talk freely where I wish I could have, which then just made me dislike the person I was even more, leaving the group feeling even worse than before.

It sucks that the psychologist doesn’t see what’s going on with me, when that’s kind of (I imagined) what he’s there for. He doesn’t think I take the group seriously, he doesn’t look like he knows why I go there, and in turn he doesn’t take the few things I say seriously, doesn’t really mind what’s up with me. I am the depressed anxious mess who is there there to try to fix himself, and he is the trained psychologist who supposedly handles cases like mine every day, so can’t I expect him to understand my situation at least a little, to push me to open up, to do what will actually help me in the end?

I don’t want to leave the group, because I have hope that maybe something might change after all. It’s also the only kind of social contact I have these days, apart from the internet. But right now, it’s just painful going there knowing I’ll just be my stupid secluded arrogant self again, knowing how I’ll feel after the group. It’s sad when the very thing that’s supposed to help you actually does the exact opposite. I hope it won’t stay like this for long.

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