Should I stay or should I go?

  November 11th, 2017 by Cause of Death: Suicide

So the story is as follows. I pay 4500$ to a sadistic mentally deficient nasty bald man who gave me a DUI when I was not driving drunk at all. Bottom line. AT ALL. I WAS NOT DRIVING. I am on probation for 2 years. I was planning to kill myself 5 years ago. But it kept falling through. I had gun to shoot myself some mentally deficient found it and gave it away to the stupid fucks that call themselves “cops.” Next thing I was going to do (a year later. I think it was a day after my 6 or 7 time being molested) is drive to a cliff two hours away. THE VERY NEXT DAY. I WAS PLANNING TO JUMP OFF CLIFF THE VERY NEXT DAY. THEN I WAS GRANTED THE DUI. Then I was raped about 20 more times.  I fucking hate my relatives and I lived in car. My only place of refuge from the stupid shit that goes on daily.  I now have no car and I have no home I live with the scariest fucking elders you could ever imagine

My question is: The only reason I haven’t left on foot is because I piss in a cup weekly. Do you think they are using this as some sort of decoy to make me fall behind even further in life? Or just to support their disgusting way of life? Or just to make me more suicidal then I’ve already been the last 11 years. I have no income I have no way to pay. Who the fuck would do that to me? I wonder over and over and I know it has everything to do with me being a lesbian. And my last post I might have deleted I have been used as bait since 6 years old.

But I just realized last night that my probation officer is meth mouthed. She is obviously addicted to methamphetamines.  If she is a meth whore and skimping me out of money to support her crack babies and meth habit should I just stop worrying about showing up and finishing probation? I planned to run away someplace no one could ever find me anyway?Should I just go now and not worry about them finding me because they couldn’t anyhow?

I don’t want to be raped anymore and I know the only way not to is to kill myself but I think at least leaving the sinful house could help. It did help when I left for 10 months but I was still raped after I left. Only once.

I tried to go to homeless shelter a year ago and they did not help me they sent tweedle dee and tweedle dum to my doorstep and took me back to mental hospital for explaining to my mom I didn’t want to live with her and would prefer being homeless. Don’t see how that is a threat to myself or others? Living at homeless shelter? Then they were all freaky nasty disgusting creeps at the mental hospital as usual.

anyway, I know this site is all “don’t kill yourself” “flower love heteros baby”  HELL NO THAT IS NOT FOR ME. I have had a suicide pact since 12 years old. I am now 23. I know I receive hate because of my plans. I am not a child anymore. I understand the dudes tell the 17 year old girls don’t kill yourself it will get better and then she cries into his cum rag yada yada. But honestly I have prayed for death since 12. This is not something that will change. I can’t live here anymore. Do I just leave? The people get freakier every single year.

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