Sleep, I just wish for eternal sleep

I don’t find my worth, or purpose, people say you die only once. Well does that saying really apply to everyone? Well I know that that won’t apply to me cuz I was actually born dead. Therefore I believe that’ll mean that I die twice in my lifetime. Have I created a monster, have I created a mean sister throughout her life, I have I really just created someone that would be mean to me and hate me for one second then love me in a few minutes or even hours? What have I done in my life? Have I just failed to be the perfect daughter that my parents wants me to be? Do my parents and sister really love me? Do my parents and sister really accept me for being who I am or for who I used to be, a bisexual? Am I willing to tell them that I actually am pansexual? Does the guy I like still like me back or is it a lost cause to live for? Does the girl I like, like me back or even know that I like her? Is she really taken? Are these thoughts really real? Are these feelings really real? Am I in a parallel universe or in just some type of imaginative world which contains a whole bunch of pain? Is this feeling of death real? Do I have CNS Depression because of overdosing in the last year? Do I hurt people or things along my path? Do I destroy everything I touch or see? I understand people call me nice, they always see me with a smile on my face, they always see me happy, I am there sunshine, I am there beam of light, I am there brightest point of the day when they need someone there to cheer them up, to make them smile, but know one knows that dark, cold and hurting heart that I have. They don’t know about my messed up life inside my head. My parents and little sister don’t even really know me, they don’t the person I am or the person that I have become. They know that when I am quiet there is something going on or when I’m hiding something? Yeah that something meaning my feelings. I guess they don’t really notice anymore. But I am pretty sure that I have been extremely quite lately, doing what, searching up “can an overdose of ibuprofen kill you?”, “can you get high off of ibuprofen?”, “what is the easiest and painless way to die?”, “how many sleeping pills does it take to die of an overdose?”, “what is CNS Depression?”, “what is the symptoms of CNS Depression?”, and so on goes the list. Not knowing why I want to live anymore. Many people care about me, I understand that, but I feel like I hurt them everyday, every hour, every second of every day, and if not then mentally I think I am hurting them. I think I have overdosed a little too much, but I am still healthy, but with the exception that I feel like I am high everyday, I can’t think straight, I can read time right, I can’t focus anymore. I really messed my head up. But IDFC about myself, I don’t really care of what happens to me. The only thing I care about is making my parents happy for me not disappointed and keeping them and my sister safe. So that’s my story and I know other people can relate. It actually feels good after all this typing because I feel relieved somehow.