The Past

  November 12th, 2017 by ClairDeLune

When I look at pictures of us, I don’t even recognize the face I see there anymore. Was that really me once? He seems content, at peace, happy even. He smiles, genuinely. He is okay with how things are, good and bad. He is okay with how he is, he knows what he’s worth, and knows his place in this world.

Seeing myself like that is weird. It feels so unimaginable, there’s just no way I was that person once. Seems way more likely someone photoshopped those pictures. I am as far away from whoever he is both in the past and in the future as I have ever been.

I am not who he is. I don’t smile anymore, not genuinely. I fake it sometimes, because I don’t want to look like an emotionless wreck, but it’s not really what I am feeling at that moment. I am not happy or even okay with who I am, because everything about me is wrong, is not how it should be. I don’t have any worth, I am mostly just baggage, for myself, and for my family. I am never truly at peace, because almost always there’s something on my mind that scares me, that gives me anxiety, that makes me hate myself and this world, and the only time that’s not the case is when I manage to distract myself temporarily. Fake peace.

I would rather be dead. He wouldn’t.

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