This feeling

November 7th, 2017by Cause of Death: Suicide

I just have this feeling I’m going to die soon.Not even from suicide. Just from my body/mind shutting down. I wouldn’t do anything to try to stop it. I’ve been sick for a year now and nothing is helping me get better. (Immune system.) As long as I know that is around the corner, I don’t worry about much. For example, just last night I was hallucinating mad. Bunch of nothing figurable. Like a seizure in my sleep. Grand mal.

I’ve been used as bait again. I’m used by immature fools as their bait. They’ll sick cops on me like dogs and they’ve used me as bait since I was 6. Calling me a clown since I was 2 years old. They use me as bait because they choose me like a horse they bet on a bet show to watch me get in trouble and never be able to recover from. I wished on my birthday candles from grade 5-grade 8 to get leukemia and die. As soon as possible. (Soon as I learned what leukemia was) and then I wished on 11:11 every night from 9th grade to 11th grade to die before I woke.  I learned you can beg and plead all you want but god doesn’t answer your prayers. God leaves you in bad hands. For you to figure out to end it yourself.

Every time I’m used as bait, I remind myself. There is the concrete wall, go ahead use full force and make yourself pass out and your nose bleed down your face. These fucking faggots, I swear to god. They have some superiority complex?

I’m going to be homeless for the rest of my life.  I watch EVERY ONE AROUND ME HAVING HAPPY LIVES. Cars, homes, boats, garages, trailers, RVs, weapons.

Things I have: 10 outfits and 5 pairs of shoes. One piece of shit laptop from 2007. And one piece of shit bed where I lay and wish to die.

I have to complete my current 1 year probation (from no wrong doing of my own, just purely bait) Then I have to leave and escape to mountains. I already hated them but now I realized I am nothing but bait to them.

Sad part is, I have prayed so much.

Anyway, any tips on living potentially in snowy mountains during winter/for rest of life? Or any tips on being homeless during winter not necessarily in mountains?

There is not one day I would not prefer being dead 10 years ago, to this. This life. This shit that they force feed me.

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