It’s been many years since my last real attempt at suicide. The last time was when I was in an abusive relationship with my ex. I thought for sure that I was stronger and would overcome anything when I finally got away. I ran as fast as I could and as far away as possible to escape my situation. I put 2000 miles in between me and everyone who has ever hurt me.
I thought for sure I would get a fresh start after escaping. I encountered a lot of hardship over the first few years away. I was isolated and never really made any new friends. I am still isolated and unable to even leave my home at this point. I did discover more of myself throughout those first years though. I learned that I too was a bad person.
It’s been 10 years since I’ve had a bad relapse back into my suicidal thoughts. They are much stronger this time around. After I realized what a horrible mother I was, all I could think about was how much better off my kids would be without me. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I really think it’s true. They deserve a mother who is stronger and can take better care of them. I can’t even take care of myself anymore.
I even tried to reconnect with someone and started a relationship after a while. We ended up marrying. I thought that was it. I was finally about to start over and make things right. It’s been 5 years and the only thing on my mind is getting a divorce. We constantly fight, and I find myself very unhappy. I feel even more alone than I did before. I feel like I’m constantly carrying around a huge weight, unable to move forward in life. I can’t carry the weight of the world on my own anymore.
I feel an immerse amount of pain right now. I have blades sitting beside me. I know if I cut myself, I can at least control that pain. It’s not enough anymore though. The pain is becoming unbearable, and I have lost hope for any kind of a future long ago.
I know if I wake up tomorrow, all the problems and issues will reappear as usual. The shut off notices keep coming in. The rents going to be a struggle to pay on the first of next month. I’m constantly forced to choose between food and paying bills. In my attempts to avoid becoming a worse mother, I always chose food. My kids have to eat. I went without food for several days when necessary even though it’s my favorite drug when depressed. Out of everything in life, food made me feel the best, even if only temporary.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I thought it might help but it’s only bringing up unpleasant memories and making me feel worse right now. I don’t want to live to see tomorrow. I wish I could donate my life to someone else. For example, a sick person on their deathbed would make better use of it than me. If I could trade someone, I would.
I look forward to dying. I welcome death with open arms. I hope that I’ll finally be able to find peace again.
7 comments
I am sorry to hear that you are suffering, but even if you think your kids are better off without you, that may not be the case. I’m not sure where you live but are there any services such as a food bank to make meeting ends meet a little more bearable? You sound like you need a really long mental break.
Tonight you ok? Talk to us
just make sure your children won’t discover you. they would truly be scarred for life.
Sup SG you ****** where you at?
f a g g o t is what i said. Wtf is with this site and censorship. For f u c k sakes.
I’m still here. I wish I wasn’t but I am.
Hey I’m glad you are couple weeks ago I was planning to leave and I almost succeeded but I’m here as well nothing wrong