Uncomfortable Smile (More mindless babbling)

It throws me off when someone just walks up to me and says something. I was just walking around in my dorm hall when a resident adviser ran up to me and asked if I wanted smores. I get that they get paid for putting on the smiley act and all that, but it is so god damned unnerving. She ran up and said “HEY FRIEND”. That was really fucking uncomfortable. Then she tried to guess my name. (I went to one other thing before this where I told her my name.) After guessing incorrectly for the first few times, I just told her and she apologized. She really seemed embarrassed. I felt bad if that’s how I came off as. whatever. Another thing that freaks the fuck out of me is when they start to stare. I know that it’s all in my head, but I can’t help but feel that they stare at me. The people when I walk down the street and in class and such. I know it’s my fault for staring at them first, but I would rather they just ignore me. They all seem to stop whatever it is they are doing and stare. They look up from their laptops or books and stare. All of these people just have the most uncomfortable looks on their faces. I’m like a ghost that people normally look through. Except when they stare. It’s like they are looking through me. It’s all in my head after all. One day some girl waved and I waved back. Naturally I look behind me to make sure that it was actually me she was waving to. I immediately hear “No I was waving at you.” I felt embarrassed and just walked off. In class today we went over suicide. Why people do it. Egoistic suicide, altruistic suicide and anomic suicide. No real connections to other people. No sense of norm. Is the sense of norm innate or do we just convince ourselves that what we are feeling is normal. I guess normal is open to interpretation. What is normal to one is abnormal to another. I can’t seem to remember names. Names are not very useful. People scare the fuck out of me. They are so god damn unpredictable. These are all just ramblings. So much god damn rambling. Nothing useful in this head I’m telling you. Nothing. I think I’ve felt obligated to kill myself rather than wanting to escape from life. Does that make sense. Not really. Ramblings more and more ramblings. I’m just a coward. Coward.