Wanting to Go to Sleep Forever

November 12th, 2017by magdeleina

This morning I got to sleep in. I rarely get to do that, just stay in that blessed oblivion. I don’t dream often, but I had a dream that I got in my car and just drove away, left my family, my friends, my university. I drove for hours through snowy forests and endless plains, into a different world where I was free.

When I woke up, I wept, because I knew that wouldn’t happen to me. I awoke once more to my parents’ disappointment and my withered friendships. I awoke to my tanking grades and crushing responsibilities. I awoke once more to my wretched physical body and my utter hopelessness for the future. All I wanted was to go back to sleep, to sleep and never wake up again. I wanted to slip into that darkness where my consciousness evaporates and I am at peace.

I feel so numb all the time, so utterly alone. I’ve had this depression for three long years and I see no end in sight. Each day I claw and struggle to survive, to perform my responsibilities, but it all feels so empty. The worst is when I have to pretend to be happy. In the past, I wore a mask, played the facade of happy girl with all the success a parent could hope for. I was smart, beautiful, obedient, and full of promise. I wore my false face well, even as I cried in my car about how alone I felt and how empty all those accolades were. Now I cannot even hide my anguish as my life crumbles before me. I am ugly, sad, stupid, and failing. Now I humiliate my parents with my inability to hide my deep isolation and alienation. Their friends see it and comment. “What’s wrong with her? Why has she become so terrible?

I have lost all my friends. They have drifted away to better things, better people. They don’t want me around. I make them sad. I can’t connect with people anymore. I stammer and look at my shoes, unable to express anything. My mother hates this. She is a social butterfly and I embarrass her. I disgust her. She says I’m selfish and arrogant. “Just choose to be happy,” she says. “No one will want to be around you if you keep this up.”

I’ve tried to be better. I’ve tried to be happy. Yet it only gets worse and worse. I hate myself, I wish I could erase myself entirely from existence. All day I’m just thinking about ways to end it all. I long for it. All I want is to stop existing, to fade away like consciousness in sleep until there’s nothing left of me. I have already disappointed everyone so much. Why disappoint them any more? There’s no other way out. I can’t leave. But death is too messy, so even that final dream can never be realized. There is no escape.

 

I long for sleep. It is the only time when I am free. For now, I live for bedtime, when the thoughts finally fade away and I can stop existing for a bit. For now I live to sleep.

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