Well Its officially been 4 months since I was last on here. A lot has happened. But there are some main things I just need to let out.
A few weeks ago two of my friends mothers both passed away days apart. One I worked with at an hell hole of an internship i’m in at my college. He was the only one that made it tolerable and didn’t treat me like dirt. He has since then been forced on leave from his position and due to that. My boss has been more abusive of power than ever.
To the point that I literally blanked and almost passed out today during work at my temporary part time job due to the anxiety from the fucking piece of shit. The 2nd friend I ran for homecoming court with this past fall. We had some relations and it just didn’t work. I feel like I fucking ruined everything. He said I didn’t but still in a way I feel like his mothers sudden passing was somehow my fault for the sin me and him had. Not only that but I feel so awkward and embarrassed every time I talk to him. I know him and his parents never really gotten along. But how he could be so cool and calm about his mothers death is beyond me.
Also My suicidal thoughts may have faded but that doesn’t mean my anxiety and depression haven’t left. with me trying to balance all my classes, plus two part time jobs and a internship from hell. I feel like i’m barley there, that i cant please anybody. That everyone probably either thinks i should just go kill myself or could give a fuck less. I actually had one of my professors told me i should just drop out of college because I’m stupid because I didn’t get as far on a project as she wanted. It wasn’t even close to the due date.
Or like my boss at my internship pretty much telling me its all in my head when i get in a uncomfortable situation on the job that could cause potential harm to me and yet no one gives a fuck or stands up for me. Thinks that his internship is the only thing I have to worry about. Its because of that asshole that I have anxiety issues. There have been times lately were I literally cry for know reason and become an emotional wreck, there are times were I can give a shit less about eating. There are times that even though my family claims they care about me.
Yet when it comes to me and my sister constantly fighting guess who they stand by and gets treated like a criminal even though that person did nothing?
I hate the fucking person my sister has become. I miss the days where I could talk to her about anything and everything. Now shes a psychopathic ***** who literally judges me on every action I do and who might possibly be knocked up by that boyfriend of hers.
She recently confided in me that she no longer believes in god due to the fact that its his fault for making her boyfriend and her have the mental problems they have. I would tell my parents. But even if I did would they fucking believe me or just do nothing like they normally do?
This year I have now been able to see clearly on who my true friends are and the ones that don’t give a shit. If it wasn’t for those small handful people. I would probably be either locked up in some institution or 6 feet under by now.
1 comment
“my fault for the sin” um no. that’s really not how anything works. even if there is a punishment, it wouldn’t be forced on another person for your ‘misdeeds’.
people cope in different ways, sometimes around different people. some have an it is what it is attitude towards death, some can barely function. just depends.
You have a full load, i couldn’t balance all of that. do you, forget about pleasing everyone and just get through what you are now. they don’t have to live your life, you do. and in the internship, if you feel unsafe, then really stand your ground on that. they don’t have the right to make you do anything that could harm you.
that kind of applies to your sister’s faith, too. it’s her life, and if she has doubts then that’s for her to figure out on her own, and to take at her own speed. and sometimes sibling relationships change. i used to talk to one of my brothers and now that’s never happening again. but as you get older there’s a decent chance you’ll be able to connect on that level again, especially as sometimes distance can make that easier.
it’s definitely better to know who you’re friends really are. hold on to that knowledge. support can be a great lifeline.