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by aphids

i used to look to the stars and see them as a source of hope. of dreams that i could follow

i don’t do that anymore. now the sky is full of stars but all i can see is darkness and i want to disappear forever. theres no hope for me, theres never been any

i’m prolonging my death because maybe that hope can come back. people say christmas brings hope and joy and maybe that’s true

but for now i’ll just ?? sit in the darkness and wait. theres nothing that i can do as i’ve tried and tried and tried to get help but every attempt comes crashing back down at me

i’ve already written my will, and my note. i’m just waiting for the right time. i deserve death, i don’t deserve to live like this

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7 comments

why.me. 12/13/2017 - 2:36 pm

i want to run away with you.

ninanomore 12/13/2017 - 3:14 pm

Dear friend, Hope, like the moon, waxes and wanes. Without it, what’s the use? Children, maybe. A lover, possibly. A career, goal, something, anything to keep us in the mix. Not sure if faith is a by-product of hope or the other way around, but most days, neither seem anywhere to be found. Still, I carry on. As do you. Right? Today is my first day actually registering to this site to be able to participate, share, salvage in and for hope because I am so very tired of the ideation. The option. I used to find relief in that there was this option to opt off. Recently it’s become apparent that I don’t really have the guts to end my life. This revelation really sucks. Maybe this will change. Maybe one day I’ll have grown so weary, it’ll be a huge sigh of relief with a thunderous nod from the heavens. But today, I will manage. Your post doesn’t detail what sort of grief, anxiety, pain, fear that has it’s grip on you. Usually it’s never just one thing, but a compilation of things. Sometimes when it’s unbearable, I’mable to latch onto indifference (not easy for an empath) where I just don’t give a care. It never lasts, but it does offer a break. Maybe not caring about the burdens, if you can get to that state, for long enough to exhale will bring you enough solace to put one foot in front of the other or just sit cross-legged somewhere. When I’m really feeling fed-up I take on a character, Scarlett O’Hara’s last lines in Gone With The Wind: (paraphrased) Oh, I can’t worry about that now, I’ll just go crazy if I do. I’ll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day. Kinda campy, cheesy, I know. Especially knowing tomorrow will only be harder. But it helps me to step out of my miserable skin and into another dimension that I once knew so well. A place of strength, determination and hope.

a1957 12/13/2017 - 4:38 pm

” I don’t really have the guts to end my life. ” Nowadays every time I start to contemplate ending it all for more than a day or two I start to tell myself the same things my therapist would have told me about how to go about resolving the issue instead of taking that well deserved permanent vacation. Damn I miss the option, well maybe some day…

aphids 12/13/2017 - 9:12 pm

the moon goes away every morning as does the sun in the night. sure, there’s hope for other people but me ?? not really. i can’t sleep or eat or do anything a person should do in their daily life. i feel like i’m in a really long nightmare that won’t stop and i just want to disappear forever

a1957 12/13/2017 - 10:21 pm

Disappearing would be so nice, sigh.

LostKat 12/13/2017 - 6:51 pm

You don’t deserve the pain you’re in, but you do deserve to live. I really really hope your hope comes back, everyone needs some. Don’t give up, you deserve happiness.

aphids 12/13/2017 - 9:13 pm

aa thank you,,,,i’ll try to hope again,

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