How my life has changed for the better/ worst

December 6th, 2017by texasmedic

I’ve had a lot on my mind tonight and I figured I’d write this to maybe help someone. I’m a 24 year old Paramedic and I’ve been in 911 for 5 years and I love my job. Back in 2014 I was in a motorcycle wreck in April, to keep things short I broke my leg, foot, wrists, hands, and had internal damage. After almost 6 months of therapy I went back to work. During that time frame I had two immediate family deaths, found out my Dad was a pill addict for the past (then) 10 years, and a friend of mine killed himself that I felt partially responsible for. I worked my ass off 3 times a week in therapy from not being able to do anything for myself, to a wheelchair with someone pushing me, to crutches, to walking again.

Now for most of that time I was always high on my pain pills and used them to escape and everything. The day I got cleared to go back to work I was off pills and went back on my 48 hr shifts the next day. The following months I had a string of bad calls and was a different person. Going back to work so quick I never coped with what happened in 2014. The calls compounded it. I was a dick to everyone, had nightmares, anxiety, all the regular bullshit. Then mid 2015 I had two young boys burnt alive in a fire and that pushed me over the edge. I was a different person with zero emotion, social isolation, drinking and drug use, anxiety, avoidance, all the classic PTSD shit. I was cheating on my girlfriend multiple times at the time and ruined our relationship, not to mention the countless fights and a miscarriage. I was a different person and even though I take full responsibility, felt like I couldn’t control myself. I just always reacted. I hated things at this point.

I was depressed by the end of the year and wanted to kill myself every day and night. I really wanted to die, I don’t know how else to explain it. I felt so guilty for hurting everyone the past year and turning into this emotionless void that I couldn’t explain why it was happening. I hurt my ex and ruined chances of marrying her, hurt friends and family, just really fucked things up for myself and friends/ family. I had adopted a wonderful cat and that honestly was the only thing keeping me alive besides not wanting to hurt my parents; I’ve seen plenty of parents after finding their kid who committed suicide and couldn’t wish that on mine. I finally planned my suicide one night at work and had every thing ordered and ready for when I got off. For whatever reason I broke down and didn’t do it and started therapy in 2016. Was told I went through PTSD and was dealing with depression/ anxiety now.

Fast forward to the end of that year when I resumed therapy after falling back into depression. It was tough, almost a year of therapy. Having to relive the calls and guilt was fucking hard, all while working 2 jobs and trying to be normal for everyone. I couldn’t even sleep in my own fucking bed without having panic attacks and freaking out. I’ll spare you the details and pity. Early 2017 I had completed therapy and started Wellbutrin because the actual depression would not subside, but the flashbacks, nightmares and social isolation/ drinking pretty much faded. After a month of the Bupropion (Wellbutrin) I got a promotion, things improved with the new (as of July ’16) girlfriend, and I was able to enjoy life again for the most part.

I will never be the same as I was before my wreck, and that’s okay. I think about my ex every week and although we rarely talk, still love her and would do anything to have her back. But oh well, that’s done with. I’m leveled out on the Wellbutrin for the most part but I rather be that way than depressed and suicidal. This is a rough time of the year for me but I will be okay. I’m doing great at work, probably the best I’ve ever been. The point of all of this is not that thing always work out, or shit will always be happy, but that there is always a chance for thing to improve. I believe putting forth serious effort to getting better will yield some sort of positive outcome, and also that even though at times you feel alone and that no one wants to help, there is at the very least 1 person out there who wants to help you. If you don’t try you won’t know. Hopefully you can take something from this. By the way there is my cat, part of the reason I’m alive today.

 

J

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