I am a disgrace.

I hope it doesn’t get better for me.  I hope my life goes to absolute shit and I am left a miserable, hollow shell that wishes only to die.  I’m not far off now! Just keep pushing!  That’s what I hear in my head all the time.  It never stops.  It never quiets down.  It never goes to sleep.  It just keeps shouting.  Just a little farther!  Don’t stop now!  Keep ruining your life!  You deserve more than this!  You should be thankful this is all you’re getting!  You deserve worse!

And it’s true.  I guess that’s what makes it even more difficult to deal with.  No one wants to see themself as a terrible, miserable, bag of shit human being.  But if it’s true, and you know it’s true, the will to fight off that mentality goes away and you’re left with a constant voice shouting, screaming, wailing that you’re not fucking hurt enough so stop complaining on the internet you worthless scummy asshole, no one will ever love you because you fuck up everything you touch and how dare you even think to deny that.  Don’t you dare ever look for love because you and I both know that you’ll just hurt that person more than you’ll hurt yourself and hurting someone is an unforgivable sin.  You’re already an unforgivable; don’t go off and make it worse for everyone, you miserable pile of shit.  I hope you get your will to live back and then get kidnapped and tortured and killed.  I hope it hurts so you can finally know true pain, not this bullshit you’ve been passing off as pain.  What?  You think because you’ve cut yourself, because you’ve harmed yourself that you’re in a tragic mental state?  What about all those people who cared about you?  How do you think they feel?  You’re ruining them just so you can get attention, aren’t you?

Because we all know that’s all you are, a goddamned attention whore.  You want everyone to pay attention to you, no matter the pain it causes them.  You’ve made yourself a goddamned freak show just to get an ounce of attention from those around you, like you expect that attention to make you feel better about yourself.  But you and I both know that nothing makes you feel better about yourself.

And that’s why I’m in control.  I’m only doing what’s best for you.  I can’t have you hurting those around you.  I need to do the right thing, and that’s why I’m in control and you’re not.  You’ve proven to me and everyone around you that you can’t handle being in control of your own body, so you need to just accept that and leave it up to me.  You fucked up, and you keep fucking up, so let me take charge.  I know how to do these things, and I know that you don’t, so just leave this to me.  Leave it all to me.

BUT NO, YOU WON’T EVEN DO THAT TO HELP THOSE YOU CARE ABOUT, WILL YOU?  YOU’RE A SELFISH, EMOTIONAL MONSTER WHO FEELS NOTHING AND REFUSES TO CARE FOR THOSE AROUND YOU!  AND WHEN YOU’RE OFFERED THE HELP THAT YOU WANTED SO SEVERELY, YOU REJECT IT! HOW CAN YOU EVER EXPECT ANYONE TO LOVE YOU?  HOW CAN YOU EVER EXPECT ANYONE TO FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO HURT THEM TO SABOTAGE YOURSELF?  DO YOU EVEN RECOGNIZE YOUR SINS?

You probably don’t even recognize them.  You’ve wasted everything that’s been given to you, you worthless pile of shit.  You don’t care about anyone around you, and I hope that you never forgive yourself.  I hope you’re left as miserable as you make everyone around you feel.  I hope you die.

But no, that’s what you want, isn’t it?  You want to die so you can inconvenience everyone around you again.  You want to break the trust that has been placed in you.  You don’t deserve the kindness of death, you selfish, egotistical bastard.  You deserve immortality so that you can wallow in the consequences of your faults.  You are the mistake.  If anyone had been put in your shoes, if any other soul had been put into your body, they would have turned out better.  But you are too goddamn selfish to care about anyone but yourself.  I hope you live a long, tortured life in solitude and the misery that you willingly cast upon yourself.  You deserve a strong, agonizing pain, but I suppose guilt will have to suffice.  I hope that you can still feel guilt so that you can see the immorality in all of your actions.  You are the worst.

You should be ashamed of yourself.  You think that you’re going to get sympathy for this post?  I’ve just revealed some of your sins, your faults, your guilt.  Your justified guilt.  No one is going to pity you for being an asshole.  No one is going to want you to stay alive.  They might write that, but people say things to be polite to things that they pity but don’t actually care about.  No one could ever care about you.  Don’t lie to yourself.  I’m the only thing that can come close to caring about you, and you’re not even thankful for it.  No, instead  you whine and complain.  “O, woe is me!  My brain said some mean things to me!”  Of course you leave out the part about how you deserved it.  You leave it out because you are ashamed, and rightfully so.