I am tired and ready to die any day now.

  December 12th, 2017 by Jean-bean102

I am not sure what to say exactly. I come here because I feel like I am ready to die. I could not turn off that whispers in my head everyday. Even though, I did take anti-depression and anxiety medications and get out of house more now. I even volunteer too.

I am in lot of pain lately for three months- no actually, this is fourth month. My depression and anxiety have been pull me into spiral since I come home from college. I have lost hope in many thing and include in myself. It get worse now. I have this strong unbreakable bond with my close friends. We have been through thick and thin for five years now. She knows everything about me. We were very close and I ruined it. I am not sure how it happens but I was blind to her struggle, pain and lonely. She struggles in school and I didn’t help any by burden her in the beginning. She could not support me with my problems. It is like I am that weights, break her down enough to leave me.

It really hurts me. My own best friend I trust the most, and in fact, the only person I truly trust than anyone or even myself. left me. I loved her. I depends on her too much. I was not good friend either. I made it toxic for us. It is my fault. She did say that thing will get better. Thing had to get better. That it will. But now I am not sure if I believe in that anymore. She told me she hope we will talk to each other again when we are both in better place. I still have this little voice said that she won’t, and plan to end friendship with me. Because I knew I am not good for her.

Every mornings, my arms, my legs, and hand are shaking and jerking once my eyes open. I am afraid of what is coming. I do not think I am brave enough or strong enough to face it. I am in a life where it is difficult for me to socialize with other, or even dating. My father whom I am very close to, get sicker each days. He is 80 year old now. My mom will have hard time support herself as well if he is gone. I will have to support her and take over the responsibles that I don’t know much about. I am still young, in early 20s. I take a break from college recently and, shockly, I might have give up my passion or my dreams. My dream that I been works so hard all my life. I am dreading what will coming. I do not have strengths to face it anymore. People that knows me expect me to bounced back by now because it is four months now. I am still in lot of pain and yet I could not cry. Most of time I am numb. I am ready for this pain to…. just…. Stop. I want to sleep, disappear, or even lose my memories and wake up in new place. Anything to stop the pain and loneliness. Anything.

But, how could I stop it if I don’t have strengths now? I am tired of trying.

I have tried all resources. But in realistic, nobody can be there for me, help me, hold me, love me when I need it. That is just fairy tale. Sure, somebody can care about me, say they love me but they dont have time for me. Everyone have to move on and I am stuck. No one can wait for me. Life is like a race. No one can be slow down and walk with me until I get better enough to run. So, I have been moving myself all alone. Now I am start to lose hope in my future and my strength fail me now.

Sorry for a long post.

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