I’ve decided to get help

The root of my depression and anxiety is my insecure attachment.

I’m in a new relationship but am still so insecure. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me but I’m so insecure and making myself miserable by constantly thinking about him leaving me or flirting with other women. I keep thinking he doesn’t really love me .. that he’s ‘settling’ for me and that he likes his female friend or regrets divorcing his ex wife and hasnt got over her.

I had a manipulative ex who, for example, would post up inappropriate pics with him and girls. It was only after the relationship ended, that he confessed he did all of it intentionally so i would act up and he could then blame me for being insecure/needy/clingy/jeopardizing the relationship. He used this to break up with me once so he could start a fling with a married woman who he dated before. He also made it clear through our relationship he had cheated in one way or another with other girls (he said i would recognise some of the girls) but he would never tell me the details and instead got me to do things before telling. even if i did do whatever he wanted he still wouldn’t tell me. It drove me insane. He told me after the relationship that he’d lost count of how many times he cheated on me and went on to say his conscious was now clear. .. But he then took it all back after two hours saying it was all a lie and he never did anything. I still don’t know what really happened. I probably won’t ever know. Even though it was 3 years go i still lie in bed at night rethinking the torment I put myself through by staying. Then there were the crazy unstable drug times when he would keep me from the leaving the bedroom, forced sex and playing’trust games’ which involved holding a knife to my throat.

The new bf is wonderful. I’m so lucky but i feel terrible that I still have a hard time trusting. I’m terribly insecure and get jealous about everything. Small comments about girls like ‘she has nice eyes’ or even just a glance in the street will send me crazy. I won’t say anything I’ll just suppress everything because i dont want to smother him and make him unhappy. Any ‘girl friend’ I’ll stalk on social media. I told him very early on that one of my flaws was jealousy and he was very sweet and said he would never do anything intentonally to make me jealous. I think he’s mindful about it- he might show me a funny conversation he’s had that day with a girl. He’ll quite happily have us look through his phone together and ill see messages pop up from other girls. I think he wants to show he has nothing to hide. He’s very calm so i feel even bad that my reactions are so intense. I’ll suppress it but im getting more and more depressed. Now i have the fear that this depression is putting walls up between us.. that he’ll get bored of me and leave me..

Enough is enough. Ive decided to give councelling a go. Ill see the doctor tomorrow to get referred.