Kill Kat

It seems that you’ve internalized a lot of the hatred directed to you from others. I’m guessing you’re a victim of bullying either by family or classmates or both.

Well the solution comes from you. No one else can build you up except yourself. I was in a similar terrible state when I was in high school and it had little to do with other people and everything to do with myself.

I was depressed, hated myself for my poverty and my looks. That was enough to make me feel like a loser every day. I put on a good face and had some nice friends but I was in a lot of pain on the inside. Then I did have a few rare run-ins with people I didn’t like who didn’t like me.

Then finally I recognized that I was largely responsible for feeling so awful about myself and I realized no one else would ever defend me and I had to stand up for myself. I also hit the gym and got in good shape, which improved my looks a lot as well. I actually felt pretty incredible for a short while after.

But the key was once I got my self-esteem back, then I didn’t take any crap from anyone, I’d always throw it right back in their face and that worked quite well for me.

In short:
Step 1-stop hating yourself-you are your own worst enemy.
Step 2-do things to feel better about yourself (like going to the gym).
Step 3-don’t back down when people try to attack/abuse/blame you.

Let’s say you’re very intent on suicide-then don’t self-harm. If you injure yourself, become paralyzed or lose function of your arms, then how can you do what is needed to end your own life? Who will help you? No one….so stay healthy, eat right, settle your affairs and choose a safe reliable method.

When I was in my late-teens I really wanted to die but didn’t have the means so I kept going on. Now I’m in my 40s and I know if my life really goes to hell, then I will find a way to end it. Being older now, I am aware of better methods so I know if I really had to, I could do it without much trouble.