my plan put on hold

  December 22nd, 2017 by Jean-bean102

Thing does get better but I don’t have much faith that this will last long. Still, I have to remind myself to focus on present than worry about my future. My plan to end my life… is put on hold for now. It does not feel right to do it at this time of year and I don’t want to put end to my process I made so far this month… I felt confuse. It was like a war inside my head. I wanted to continue living. Other said I should dies before something worse happens or I would experience more heartaches. Every nights I look at my near empty closet or in shower, wonder if it is strong enough to hold me up and when will it happen.

Yet I think about that little kid who always happy to see me when I come to help with teaching/developing his primary language. That kid deserve that access to my help while the school would not.

Today I decide to not be that selfish asshole who kill herself because she could not bear pain any longer.

Sigh. I feel somehow defeated by a kid and yet that kid did nothing but smile at me exciting to learn more from me. I could not abandon this kid. I can’t.

So what now? Thing does get better but I feel somehow still stuck now.



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